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July 26, 2016

Three men remain with three fantasy suites ready for boning. Who gets laid? Who gets left? Who gets bored watching this show? Let’s talk about last night’s episode.

Below is a recap from The Bachelorette episode from 7-25-16, the one with the overnight dates. Spoilers, obviously.

1. Luke’s Romance Novel Comes to an End

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Last week’s episode ended with JoJo having a panic attack because just as she was about to send Luke home, he told her he loves her. This episode starts right back in the same spot. JoJo is having an emotional breakdown and with this new declaration of love, she’ll have to amend her decision about who she is sending home. She manages to make it back inside and sends home the boring robot guy sticks with her original plan of sending Luke home! Wait, WHAT?! Luke is Mr. Romance Novel! Luke is the most romantic, gooey, slobbery loving bleeding heart I’ve ever seen! This guy lives to make love, you have to take him to the fantasy suite. You can’t send this human Valentine’s Day card home and keep Chase, the robot with low batteries!!?

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“This is not supposed to be happening.” - Luke, speaking for all of us

JoJo cries about missing Luke as his car pulls away, but later reassures us that feeling only lasted til the morning. I myself, am still upset.

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2. Bone Zone, Population: JoJo and Robby

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No thanks.

JoJo brings the guys to Thailand and Robby’s date is up first. Really I’m done with Robby from the get go. No thanks, Robby, not in the mood for your soft voice and red skin. I miss Luke. JoJo is into him, I guess because she keeps kissing him. They get a foot massage and make out in the rain. Then they make out in the rain some more. Then they sit down and make out.

To prove to JoJo that he is serious about her and the timeline of his love isn’t fishy (um, yes it is) Robby shows her a note from his dad saying he must really be in love. JoJo buys it, but come on! Anyone could have written that note. I’m not saying Robby forged a note from his dad that was “slipped in his pants” (huh?), but a fake note from dad is a good way to get yourself invited to the fantasy suite. Which is exactly where they are headed.

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A “no” for me.

They make out some more and JoJo baby talks in Robby’s ear so we are literally seeing their foreplay at that moment. They are going to have sex minutes after this. Robby puts the “do not be disturb” sign on the door and we know what that means! A trip for two to the Bone Zone!

Sidenote: Robby was a swimmer…his penis is hairless isn’t it? Do with that image what you will.

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Good morning, no thank you.

3. Bone Zone - Population: JoJo and Jordan

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Jordan meets up with JoJo on a beach and he is looking fine, as usual. Which makes no difference to me because I like him even less than Robby. That’s not true. I don’t like him the same as I don’t like Robby. Ugh, I miss Luke. What the hell have you done, JoJo.

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Isn’t it funny that we can’t kiss right now?!?!

Hunky QB and JoJo go to a temple where they can’t kiss and act like it’s the hardest thing they’ve ever done to keep their hands off of each other. They want to touch so bad, but it’s disrespectful! It sounds a lot like the feeling I get when someone brings a box of donuts to the office. I want to put my mouth on them so bad, but I know it’s disrespectful to eat the whole box. The box is there for everyone. Mmm. Donuts. Uh? What are we talking about?

Right, this hairdo with a mouth and JoJo. At dinner, JoJo takes her usual interrogator position and questions Jordan’s love for her. He promises that he loves her. She demands to know if he’s telling the truth. He promises HARDER! And then I think she believes him. Even though he was basically like, I don’t know where I will be or what I want to be doing with my life. What does he do again? I know he used to play football, but what does he do now? Brush his hair and do sit ups? Does that pay? In donuts?

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They can’t wait to get into the fantasy suite to take their “big step”.That’s what Jordan calls sex. The “big step”.

4. Bone Zone - Population: 0

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Chase is feeling it in Thailand! He’s got jokes, he’s got moves, he’s got…personality? It all feels a little kid brother to me and this should be Luke’s date, but Chase is finally seeming like more human than robot. He’s sweating so much that I almost believe he is human! Did someone upgrade his operating system? He’s even got the confidence to share his feelings with JoJo and drop the L bomb. Which is when things stopped being so fun for Chase. He confesses his love, literally as they are about to walk into the fantasy suite, and JoJo gets up to take a moment. Does she wish that Luke were there? I do! She takes a moment to think about what to do while Chase watches the cameras film her crying in the bushes. Everything ok out there? Probably not! Your girl is crying in the bushes!

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Chase watches from the sliding glass door as his love life slides away

She returns to tell him that she doesn’t feel the same way. And she doesn’t want to take a trip to the Bone Zone. Woah. Chase has been terrified to drop L bombs, he finally dropped it, and he gets hurt. Love bomb shrapnel everywhere. Chase stomps off, cracks open a beer and gets in the limo like a guy who is pissed. I’ve never liked Chase more! That’s the guy for JoJo! That guy is cool! Come back Cool Chase!

5. Three More Things About Robby That Are Annoying

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1. Robby showed up at JoJo’s hotel room unannounced on a date day to tell her he loves her. Yeah, we know! This guy is a broken record. He’s been saying he loves her since week 3 and that’s only 2 weeks after he broke up with his girlfriend.

2. He keeps calling JoJo, “Joelle”. And then, “Jo”. Why won’t you say her name, guy named Robby? Cuz your name ain’t better.

3. He is panic stricken at the rose ceremony when Chase shows up. Fucking relax Robby. You still get to be on this TV show for another week.

Two guys left and they will both meet JoJo’s family next week on the finale!! Tonight is The Men Tell All! Then we can finally get to Bachelor in Paradise which is why we all suffer through this anyway!