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November 06, 2014
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Brandon in the office has started playing his Christmas music a little early.

To: office@handrblock.com
From: bwaters@handrblock.com
Subject: ♬ Simply having / a wonderful November 6th ♬

Hey guys,

I’ve been getting a lot of complaints about my music so I figured it best to just reply to you all at once. Basically the answer is no, I won’t stop playing my Christmas music. Halloween is over and everyone knows that after Halloween comes Christmas. My thinking is, if CVS gets to play “Silver Bells” on November 6th, then I get to, too. I just really love it. Thanks for understanding.

Yours in Holiday Cheer,
Brandon


To: office@handrblock.com
From: bwaters@handrblock.com
Subject: Re: ♬ Simply having / a wonderful November 6th ♬

Um, apparently I wasn’t clear in my first email — the Christmas music wasn’t up for debate. It won’t stop until we break for the holidays. And I’m not gonna say “I’m sorry.” I’m gonna say “You’re welcome.” Because Christmas music is a gift. Hopefully you Grinches can get into the spirit. I mean, Jesus Christ. (Happy Bday, btw.)

Hope this is the last we hear about this. Santa’s watching.

Brandon


To: office@handrblock.com
From: bwaters@handrblock.com
Subject: Re: ♬ Simply having / a wonderful November 6th ♬

Um, are you guys dense or something?! Stop coming over and asking me to turn this off!

Listen, I put up with a lot in this office. Nathan is a prick. Kristina acts like she’s better than everyone cause she’s seen The Wire. Jason’s balls are ALWAYS showing. Jenny’s daughter is selling magazine subscriptions for her school like every other week. And Ryan’s always eating something that smells like he stole from a dumpster outside a vet’s office. These are YEAR-ROUND problems. If the most annoying thing I do is only from November–December then I think I’m doing a pretty fucking good job.

Hopefully we can go “Silent Night” on this issue.
Brandon


To: office@handrblock.com
From: bwaters@handrblock.com
Subject: Re: PLEASE READ! ♬ Simply having / a wonderful November 6th ♬

Hmm. OK, so several of you more passive aggressive folks have come over to my desk asking if I at least have headphones. YES, I have headphones. EVERYONE has headphones. IN FACT, I have really NICE headphones cause I got them FROM SANTA. But I’m making the active decision not to wear them. Christmas music is not meant to be listened to solo. It’s a social thing. I’m playing “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” as much for you and I am for myself. Again — You’re welcome.

And it’s not like I’m not switching it up! (Aside from yesterday when I didn’t switch it up and just played “All I Want for Christmas Is You” for eight hours straight.) I put “Christmas” on Pandora and let THEM do the choosing. I’m treating you guys to “Rudolph,” “Jingle Bell Rock,” “O Holy Night,” the one that’s like “bah humbug, no that’s too strong…” — all the hits. I don’t know what else you could possibly be looking for. (And don’t say “The Dreidel Song” — that is NOT about Christmas and I’m not trying to fuck with other holidays.)

Here’s the compromise I’m willing to make: I’ll go on playing my Christmas music and, in exchange, you all cram it with sugar plums. The other thing I’m gonna do is print out a bunch of lyrics and place them in everyone’s cubicle so you can start singing along. There has been a shockingly low amount of interoffice caroling around here. Please don’t tell HR that I’m using the printer and color ink for this. You’re also probably wondering if your conflicting religious views will exempt you from singing. The short answer is no. The long answer is fuck no.

In closing, I’ll also ask you all start wearing a little more red and green. It’s time we make this place festive. I’ve been told I can’t demand people decorate their cubes with garland and poinsettias since I’m only a temp here but I’ll recommend it strongly. If you have problems with this you can just go see HR.

Actually wait. HR is the one who told me to stop playing my music. Don’t go see HR. If you have a problem with this just — just don’t have a problem with this.

Thank you and Merry Christmas for the next two months.

THIS WILL BE MY FINAL EMAIL ON THE MATTER!!

Brandon

P.S. — By now you’ve probably noticed that I made one of those construction-paper Christmas chains where you rip one off each day. I admit, it’s pretty unwieldy at the moment since we’re still 50 days out. Please don’t trip on it, the paper’s really thin and fragile.


To: office@handrblock.com
From: bwaters@handrblock.com
Subject: Re: ♬ Simply having / a wonderful November 6th ♬

I just got fired for using the F-word in an email.At least that’s what they said. I think it had more to do with all the paper and color ink I stole.

Thank you for ruining Christmas.

Brandon

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