Huge Spoiler Alert!

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Told ya.

Double Spoiler Alert: This article talks all about the American Gods season finale.

1) Mr. Nancy’s Iconic

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The only God who can pull of wearing wood panel print.

Mr. Nancy (Orlando Jones AKA #Trollando) rips apart his seams and scenes this episode. The man is so captivating, and looks so fly wearing spider web threads. BTW his custom spider silk suits have incredible properties: Spider silk is strong as steel, and can stretch five times its length before breaking. That means Mr. Wednesday and Shadow’s suits are nearly impenetrable, and will NEVER rip in the crotch. Open an Etsy shop for Christ (all 14 of them) sake!

2) If Everyone Melts You Know It’s A Good Orgy

Reenactment of Bilquis vanquishing a King.

Bilquis (Yetide Badaki) throws an orgy rivaling any party at the Playboy Mansion. She’s so powerful that her vagina swallows kings trying to take her throne , then she washes them down with a glass of her worshippers. Of all the ways to die, having sex at an orgy until you melt and a God’s vagina drinks you is a pretty great way to go.

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3) Shadow Moon’s Dream

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Even when he dreams he’s exercising.

I gotta give props to Ricky Whittle’s wake-up acting. Good wake-up acting is tough. It’s all about how you wake up, and you can tell Shadow’s sHoOk cuz he bolts awake like a lightening bolt zaps his heart.

Top 3 All-Time Wake Up Actors

4) Coming To America: Bilquis

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You look nothing like your Tinder pic

The world fucks Bilquis hard. It’s savage. She goes from powerful to poverty, and ends up sleeping on the streets while men tear down her temples. It’s a disgustingly true example of black women’s experience in America, and mankind’s destructive nature (womenkind has WAY more chill) . Men are threatened by powerful women so they use brute force to destroy her. However, Bilquis is given new life thanks to Technical Boy. She will be worshipped through online dating apps where sex is only a swipe away.

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‘Sheba’ Profiles Clockwise L to R: Bilquis, Angela, Dave

5) Wednesday Kills Easter’s Bunnies

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Damn W, I know you’re the God of War, but why are you killing your queen’s rabbits when all they wanna do is poop jelly beans in her name? Luckily, we saved one bunny from Wednesday’s death race. This is our pet Sweet Baby Angel. She loves bananas, and she’s perfect.

Action Shot of Sweet Baby Angel

6) The Real Housegods of Kentucky

TRHGOK OPENING CREDITS: “I’m Spring, but Winter is coming.”

In Chuck Bowen’s episode recap for SLATE he says Easter (Kristin Chenoweth) would be perfect on Real Housewives. I agree. She’s everything they are: rich, smart, and feel dead inside. Easter even talks through gritted teeth like a good Christian lady trying not to explode in public (eventually she does explode destroying Spring across the Earth…talk about drama). Her dark side is evident in the deliciously sacrificial spread she serves her guests. Its Hannibalistic approach is perfect for Bryan Fuller fans.

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Crucifixion Cookies taste great dunked in Mary’s breast milk

7) Jesus, Your Martyrdom Is So Extra

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It’s not always about you, Man.

Jesus Prime (played perfectly by Jeremy Davies) is my least favorite guest God this season, and I think it’s intentional. He’s SO needy, like a rich kid still calling Daddy for money even though he’s 2019 years old. He even blames his dad when he accidentally sinks a wine glass in the pool. Take some responsibility! Get out from your powerful parent’s shadow, ease up on the day drinking, and get your life together.

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TFW Your Whole Pool Is A Bottomless Glass of Wine.

8) Wednesday’s Got A Sword In His Pants

Easter: Is that a sword in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?
Wednesday: Both.

Talk about impressive power moves. When W (Ian McShane) wants to make a point he knows how to swing his sword around to get the Goddess of Fertility’s attention. While fondling his steel member they nearly forge a pact to battle the New Gods only to be interrupted by a New God who’s come to crash the party.

9) Judy Garland as Marilyn Monroe as David Bowie as Lucy Ricardo as Media

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“I’m Gillian Anderson, and I’m gonna win an Emmy.”

That’s it. Moving on.

10) Sunday Bloody Sunday

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Dead Astaire

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! It’s on, baby! Season 2 is gonna be bananas. Wednesday strikes first, and Mr. World promises his death. I think Wednesday has the edge in this fight. If you control the weather you control the human race. All the iPhone Apps in the world won’t grow crops. No wonder the New Gods are so frightened. They’re gonna lose, and they know it. The only way they won’t is if they can figure out how to CNTRL+ALT+DELETE Wednesday from existence, and that’s not gonna happen.

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“We represent a blackhole of your wasted time.”

11) Oh Now Mr. Wednesday Has Time For A Long Story

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Even Wednesday’s voice sounds like rolling thunder.

When the captivating Mr. Nancy wants to tell a tale you have no time for it, but when Shadow wants to know who you are you milk that story for all its worth. I’m the Guesser, the Third, All-Father, Wand-bearer,Grimner –THEN LIKE THE LEAD SINGER OF A ROCK BAND YOU START INTRODUCING YOUR BANDMATES – This is my raven Burt, Shout out to my horse Linda…It’s so hypocritical.

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Shadow, what do you want on your bagel?

12) When Easter Lets Her Hair Down She Fucking Lets Her Hair Down

Flower Power

She doesn’t need a man (Jesus) to carry her namesake. She took away our Spring! I’m gonna start praying to her now cuz without Spring we die, and even worse NO MORE SPRING BREAK! I love having the time of my life in Daytona, but being too drunk to remember it. With Easter as Wednesday’s queen there’s no stopping their victory. He controls rain, she controls re-life, together they’re the ultimate Power Couple. Like David Bowie and Iman, or Will and Jada, or Brangelina (if Brad made better choices).

13) Laura Moon Has Them All By The Balls

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If Laura can avoid rotting she may save Mother Earth. Mad Sweeney squeaks out that she was killed by Wednesday so she can’t be resurrected by Easter. That’s more than enough reason for her to destroy every God in a ten mile radius with kicks to the groin next season.

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“I’m gonna kill you all!”

14) The House On The Rock Is Real And Worth The Trip

Season 1 ends with Bilquis riding a bus (so thrifty!) to The House On The Rock to pay off her debt to the New Gods. If you want to take a pilgrimage to Wisconsin, and experience their war zone yourself before Season 2 here’s a sneak peek at what to expect. I’m gonna get extremely high, drive there from Los Angeles, get extremely high again, and try to envision what will happen next season. Here’s a few guesses:

Shadow will be swallowed by Bilquis.
Laura saves him from Bilquis’ vagina and dies in the process, but her sacrifice makes her heart weigh less than the feather so she avoids eternity in a hot tub.
Mr. Nancy double crosses Wednesday causing Wednesday’s death.
Technology Boy’s still a virgin.
Shadow kills Mr. World, wins the war, and rides his fire bison into the sunset like a cowboy.

15) Doing Gods Work

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Last, but in NO way least – Shout out to the rest of the crew who make this magical show! The hair and makeup are divine. Every frame of every scene is beautifully lit. Brian Reitzell’s score is a perfect blend of holy hymns and thunderous beats. My final Holy Hell moment of the first season goes to the unsung Gods of this show because without their belief there’d be no show for me to worship.

15.5) A Quick Prayer

Hey Neil, Bryan, and Michael please adapt The Sandman so I can write recaps of it on my table covered in the comic.

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Whenever you have time.

Thank you all for reading these recaps. Have a great rest of your year, and stay #blessed.