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October 29, 2010

I went on a date with the KFC's new Double Down.

Okay, normally eating KFC is a gamble in itself and we all know it, so naming their new sandwich the Double Down is fitting (FINALLY available in Canada). Greasy chicken appeals to most of us, even though it's not cool to admit it. Think back to when you were a wee'un, and how happy you were to get some fast food. Great stuff, good memories. Then some twat scientists and doctors decided to get together and ruin food for us, so our childhood innocence has been bitch slapped by images of chickens in pain, clogged arteries, fat people clutching their chests and falling on buckets of chicken as their hearts give out... 


Salads... veggies... God help us all, tofu burgers....


Well KFC has just declared open war on healthy eating with it's new blessed by angels "not-a-sandwich".



The Double Down contains "bacon, two different kinds of melted cheese (Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese), the Colonel’s "secret" sauce... pinched in between two pieces of Original Recipe chicken fillets."  KFC describes the Double Down as a "sandwich" although it does not have bread (hence my calling it a "not-a-sandwich"). One Chicago Tribune writer categorically refused to call the Double Down a "sandwich," opting instead to call it a "meat-glorb."


Weighing in at an impressive 540 calories, 32 g of fat, and an insane 1380 mg of sodium, this offering of meaty goodness is impressive to say the least. So I ordered mine with a side of poutine and a large Pepsi (I've never been accused of being smart).


Now let me just say, while I have almost no cooking ability, my taste buds  work just fine. My mouth watered at the thought of finally eating this. My nose was caressed by the smell of what can only be described as happy (if happy had a smell). I could feel the love that the great man who invented this was given by his parent as he grew into what can only be called an uber chef as I held my double down in my hands.


I took my first bite... bacon, cheese and KFC in my mouth all at once... this is what dreams are made of baby! A single tear fell down my left cheek as I knew, everything in life was going to be alright.


I kid you not, I would have made sweet sweet love to my not-a-sandwich, had I not been worried about getting piping hot grease and cheese burns on my penis (plus, I'd have had to stop eating it in order to do that, and no force in Heaven or on Earth could make me do that). 


It was so good, it was like a first date. The double down came over, gave me candy and flowers, held the door open for me, and held my hand as I walked down the street.


And then the date turned bad.


I was full...VERY full. not in a good way. I was bursting with energy, but could not move. for many hours. 


A lovely first date with potential turned into a horror show. Yes, it was like I was roofied by my double down as it raped my innards. It took me 24 hours to fully recover, and you do NOT want to ask my toilet what I did to it through out the night.


What kind of sick twisted Godless kitten kicker came up with this hell food?! It drips the venom of pure evil in each bite, and dressed it in bacon to hide the devil inside!


I will never eat another one of these date rape of a meals again! At least until the next time I walk by a KFC.