This week’s tweets come straight from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa.
Look, Lebron is cold. But the greatest of all time is still David Letterman.— John Reynolds (@JohnReynoldss) June 20, 2016
Hey @icecube are you okay? Worried you may have melted today, thought I'd check— Allan McLeod (@allanmcleod) June 21, 2016
People definitely hang up on Oprah all the time.— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) June 19, 2016
"Hi this is Oprah!"
"Yeah, ok, this is Garfield fuck off".
I like to imagine all that blood in The Shining patiently waiting to get on the elevator on a different floor.— Jesse Case (@jessecase) June 21, 2016
After careful, objective, qualitative analysis, I have finally concluded that the GREATEST TV SHOW OF ALL TIME is... pic.twitter.com/urSIMhS1p0— Harrison Martin (@Harry_Martin_) June 22, 2016
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful. pic.twitter.com/RboPJgybvM— Probably Injured (@PeterClayton6) January 8, 2014
Just got my Ticketmaster voucher. Anyone want to see Puddle of Mudd in Fallujah?— ONE OF THE GOOD ONES (@UNTRESOR) June 22, 2016
Coconut La Croix is for ppl too cowardly to drink suntan lotion— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 24, 2016
Since Ariel was 16 when she became human do you think she got her period immediately?— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 22, 2016
Boss: I meant any questions about the presentation.
I can never remember the word for salad sauce— sarah (@sarahlindish) June 15, 2016
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) June 24, 2016
Prom King: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you've got yourself a crap horse.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 10, 2016
If you had late fees Blockbuster refused to rent you anything.— Rob Fee (@robfee) June 21, 2016
It was harder to watch Hook than it is for a suspected terrorist to buy a gun
When you want a tabloid, but are also 90 years old. pic.twitter.com/f4wROfiHJv— Jane Coaston (@cjane87) June 18, 2016
Bet her baby aint crawling into a Gorilla pit pic.twitter.com/YKhvv4Iyps— Moe Alayan (@MoeAlayan) June 6, 2016
No song gets to the point like "Everybody Dance Now." A lady screams "Everybody dance now" at you right at the beginning.— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) June 23, 2016
The mall is great because sometimes I want to go to the airport without flying anywhere— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) June 18, 2016
My sexual preference is "ugh I'll just do it myself"— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) June 23, 2016
WIFE: Your life as a YouTube star is tearing us apart— Hippo (@InternetHippo) June 18, 2016
ME: What makes you say that? Let me know in the comments
Yea, I have a beach body. Big, wavy and teeming with crabs— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) June 22, 2016
if u die in a jet ski accident u get to be a ghost on a jet ski, so not that bad— chuuch (@ch000ch) June 21, 2016
Date: It's getting late, I should go.— pat tobin (@tastefactory) June 24, 2016
Me: *opening freezer* Are you sure I can't convince you to stay? pic.twitter.com/RWPeNCwar0
If you have a friend named brendon and you don't call them friendon you are part of the problem— miel (@mielmonster) June 19, 2016
This movie seems darker than I expected pic.twitter.com/2SWJylPnla— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) June 17, 2016
A more interesting matchup for the nba finals would have been the Goo Goo Dolls vs Matchbox 20— Conner O'Malley (@conner_omalley) June 20, 2016