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Published December 20, 2011 More Info »
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Published December 20, 2011

Mitt Romney-

PROS FOR REP. VOTERS- Reagan-esque physical features, perfect salt to pepper hair ratio, not Obama, not black, not "Muslim," born in America

CONS FOR REP. VOTERS- Mormon, lack of a sack

TOP LEGISLATIVE TALKING POINT- "What do I stand for? Whatever you want me to stand for."

Newt Gingrich-

PROS FOR REP. VOTERS- Ability to not recognize hypocrisy, not Obama, not black, not "Muslim," born in America

CONS FOR REP. VOTERS- Monogamy, policy ideas normally reserved for sci-fi/terrible movies (see Total Recall, Pluto Nash, promising things an 8th grader can tell you are not in the scope of power of the executive branch

TOP LEGISLATIVE TALKING POINT- "My first appointment will be Quatto as supreme leader of ou lunar colony"

Ron Paul-

PROS FOR REP. VOTERS- Doesn't agree with most Republicans, racist newsletters penned in his name, anti-civil rights, from Texas, not Obama, not black, not "Muslim," born in America

CONS FOR REP. VOTERS- Doesn't use RNC provided script when talking about politics

TOP LEGISLATIVE TALKING POINT- "Smoke it, snort it, shoot it, pop it..."

Michelle Bachman-

PROS FOR REP. VOTERS- Can't see Russia from her backyard, not Obama, not black, not "Muslim," born in America

CONS FOR REP. VOTERS- Not as bangable as Palin, gay husband

TOP LEGISLATIVE TALKING POINT- "When I'm President gas will cost a nickel and pizza will be available every day in the cafeteria."

Rick Perry-

PROS FOR REP. VOTERS- Coyote killin', retard killin', from Texas, not Obama, not black, not "Muslim," born in America

CONS FOR REP. VOTERS- Forming complete sentences, speaking words out of his mouth, answering questions, remembering things

TOP LEGISLATIVE TALKING POINT- "He was for plan parenthood before he was against it, uh... you know... he was for... uh... you know we got this old saying in Texas... fool me once shame on, shame on you?... fool me twice (8 second pause) fool me you don't get fooled again."

John Huntsman-

PROS FOR REP. VOTERS- Not Obama, not black, not "Muslim," born in America

CONS FOR REP. VOTERS- 2 words... John Huntsman, use of common sense in dealing with simple policies, Mormon

TOP LEGISLATIVE TALKING POINT- "

Rick Santorum-

PROS FOR REP. VOTERS- Idiot fueled stance on homosexuality, not Obama, not black, not "Muslim," born in America

CONS FOR REP. VOTERS- For the millionth time google Santorum

TOP LEGISLATIVE TALKING POINT- "Being gay is a choice... you know I'm as much of a fan of a fresh bucket of santorum as the next guy, but I choose not to embrace my love for cock that sweet, sweet yogurt slinging man meat."

Chris Christie-

PROS FOR REP. VOTERS- Obviously American (check the scale), not Obama, not black, not "Muslim," born in America

CONS FOR REP. VOTERS- New Jersey, unavoidable heart attack

TOP LEGISLATIVE TALKING POINT- "All restaurant must have all you can eat buffet"

Jeb Bush-

PROS FOR REP. VOTERS- Not Dubya, not Obama, not black, not "Muslim," born in America

CONS FOR REP. VOTERS- Last name

TOP LEGISLATIVE TALKING POINT- "I'm not my brother"

Donald Trump-

PROS FOR REP. VOTERS- Sense of entitlement held by most undeserving Americans, not Obama, not black, not "Muslim," born in America

CONS FOR REP. VOTERS- Hair, inability to close mouth for extended periods of time, Wilfred Brimley inspired enunciation of "huge"

TOP LEGISLATIVE TALKING POINT- "The only person capable of being my VP is me"

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