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July 27, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

While visiting Britain, Mitt Romney let it slip that he met with the head of MI6. Romney insists it was only to discuss how cool it is to have secret car elevators.

Responding to Mitt Romney's criticism of security at the London Olympics, Prime Minister David Cameron said, "Of course it's easier if you hold an Olympic Games in the middle of nowhere." Cameron attempting to set a world record for sick burns.

In other Olympic news, organizers apologized for displaying South Korea's flag on a large screen during a North Korean soccer match. Between seeing the flag of their enemy and a sunset for the first time, it was a pretty crazy day for the team.

A McDonald's in Atlanta is adding chicken wings to its menu. They'll be similar to Chicken Nuggets but with slightly less bones.

NYU's Global Justice Clinic reported that the NYPD violated the rights of Occupy Wall Street protesters. "Just Occupy Wall Street protesters?" asked the NYPD.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said Congress doesn't have time to address new gun control laws. Said Reid, "You try telling the NRA you can't wash their car even though you promised."

A hotel in England has replaced the Bibles in each room with "50 Shades of Grey."  Interestingly, both books feature characters screaming "God!" a lot.

In a speech to students, President Obama told them not to watch "Real Housewives" or play videogames if they wanted to remain competitive globally. At the end, students were so inspired they even tried standing to clap.

Obama also recently addressed gun control, saying he thinks "that a lot of gun owners would agree that AK-47s belong in the hands of soldiers." "Absolutely," said gun owners who think they're soldiers.

Twitter suffered a major outage late Thursday morning. Supposedly too many people were tweeting about how no one uses Google+.

Following news that actress Kristen Stewart cheated on him, Robert Pattinson has moved out of the LA home they shared. "He's always welcome to stay here," said teenage girls pointing at their pants.

A 10-year-old delivered a speech to the New York City Council advocating gay marriage. The speech immediately drew criticism from countless 5-year-olds online.