Aries: This week you’re going to organize and lead a covert military operation aimed at completely dismantling the IRS. It’s not going to feel right, but, trust me, all of these people need to die. They chose to work for an unjust, oppressive unconstitutional affront to the prosperity of the American people. Burn ‘em. Burn ‘em all. Your lucky homemade explosive is the nitrogen rich chemical fertilizer bomb.
Taurus: When you wake up on Wednesday, you’re going to know for certain that Keanu Reeves is not Jesus Christ, but, that he IS the closest thing to a savior we have on our planet today. Your lucky movie is The Matrix.
Gemini: Get ready to have your dreams come true! A guy who looks like your dad, but isn’t your dad, is going to hold your hand a little too tightly as you walk through a mall while you wear that one Counting Crows T-shirt you loved that you haven’t seen in ten years. And then something terrifying is going to happen. A giant spider with the face of Emilio Estevez is going to eat your 8th grade basketball coach, which is going fill your heart with dread, because you know all of this has something to do with you worrying about going to Hell lately. And, there are going to be small, individual sized bags of Cheetos everywhere, which will symbolize something important you will never, ever figure out.
Cancer: This week you should write out your will. Before Friday. Yes, definitely before Friday. Your lucky vegetable is the radish.
Leo: You are the reincarnation of Willie Nelson, which is incredible and hard to believe, especially because Willie Nelson is still alive. Clean your rain gutters. They’re rotting your shingles.
Virgo: You are going to make a lot of money this week. I mean A LOT of money. Like, at least $100. Well, okay, AT LEAST $30. But you might even make a lot more than that. Your stars are tough to read right now.
Libra: I don’t know what’s going to happen to you this week, I really don’t. I’m not going to bullshit you. Sometimes, I just don’t have my A-game. Maybe you’ll fuck a supermodel, maybe you’ll drown in your hot tub. All I do know right now is that there is Dexter marathon on, and I couldn’t currently give two shits about Libras.
Scorpio: This week Mars, the Roman god of love, is going to favor you. You are going to be lucky with love! Wait. Ah, damn it. I think Mars is the god of war. Grab your gun and plenty of ammo, sit facing the front door, and don’t fall asleep this week.
Sagittarius: Get ready for an action-packed weekend! You’re going to buy a jet ski, take it to the nearest suitable body of water, get drunk, and ride around and around too close to the shore, drenching innocent old people and children for two straight days, laughing by yourself like maniac. Have the time of your life you mean-spirited asshole!
Capricorn: Interesting events appear on your fiscal horizon. You're going to give five hobos a total of ten dollars, which will weigh on your conscience. They didn’t earn that money, why did you waste it on them? But then, you’re going to sell two Eastern European women into sexual slavery, which will put over five grand in your savings account, which will help take some of the weight of the current economy off your sagging shoulders. Also, you’re going to speak in colors for part of Sunday.
Aquarius: Finally, you are going to come to the realization that the Doors are one of the most overrated bands of all time, and that if Jim Morrison wouldn’t of died young, melodramatic, and handsome, no one would be talking about him today. Fuck "Break on Through (To The Other Side)." 10 songs better than that were written last week.
Pisces: Tuesday your going to step on a small black ant, which, ordinarily wouldn’t be a big deal at all. Unfortunately, this particular ant is God’s favorite, I mean his FAVORITE fucking ant in the whole universe, and you will feel his wrath on Wednesday. You’re about to fall flat on your face in one big ol’ pile of asswhoop jacknut, whooooo boy!!!!! Spend your free time learning Portuguese.