I Love The 90s

I’m a child of the 90s. In my 5th grade class photo I was wearing a B.U.M Equiptment t-shirt and a pair of Umbros. I learned about the wonderful world of self pleasure through The Divinyls masturbatory classic “I Touch Myself”.  I watched on as MTV crowned a man who looked like a mentally challenged Crypt Keeper, Jesse Camp, as the winner of their I Wanna Be A VJ contest. I gasped in adolescent joy as I learned that Casey Jones was in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I remember when Mike Tyson was an ear eating beauty queen rapist, not a tiger loving Hangover co-star. In the 7th grade I was arrested for stealing MC Hammer’s 2 Legit 2 Quit from a local K Mart. Being that I was like 14 I didn’t do any hard time, but if I had would I have regretted the thievery? Of course not. Why? Because Hammer, much like this genie pants and the 90s itself, was fucking awesome.

What’s old is new again.  That’s a phrase that pertains to the fact that many aspects of life tend to be cyclical. Basically anything that was once popular, be it a trend in music, fashion, television, or anything else, has a fighting chance to someday make a comeback. Want proof? Last year The Spice Girls sold out Madison Square Garden. Pee Wee Herman currently has a Broadway show. Hell, just look at Betty White. She hadn’t been on network television since 92, now damn near every time I flip on the television who do I see? She just hosted SNL and I’m pretty sure she’s like 106. Ever since Bea Arthur kicked the bucket and ol’ Betty officially won Survivor: Golden Girls, she’s somehow found herself at the forefront of pop culture. This got me thinking about some other aspects of 90s pop culture that I’d like to see make a return. Want to read a list of some of those things? Whoomp! Here it is.

THE FANNY PACK

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve been patiently waiting for the resurgence of the fanny pack. I’m of the opinion that this look, one that’s sexiness is only rivaled by it’s undeniable convenience, has the ability to rise from it’s fashion grave, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Why did it go away in the first place? Some people ask who killed Pac, I ask who killed the pack. If you ask me, the culprit is the cargo pant. Sometime during the late 90’s some jackass came along and decided to stitch huge pockets on the side of everyone’s pants, thus negating the need for the fanny pack. So much like video that killed the radio star, the cargo pant killed the fanny pack…or so I thought. You see, this past weekend I was in Atlantic City and met an old lady named Gloria at a three card poker table. While I was busy losing all my money, Gloria was busy snacking on some popcorn. Now you may be asking yourself, where pray tell was this old bag pulling her popcorn out of? Let me tell you. She was pulling it out her motherfucking FANNY PACK, son! Looks like I was wrong. Don’t call it a comeback, the fanny pack has been here for years! Gloria said knock you out! Okay, fine, I’ll admit it. Gloria was hardly a trend setter. She was also wearing a bedazzled pants suit and a hat that inexplicably read “USA All The Way!”. But that notwithstanding, I think she’s onto something. You give it a few months and I may finally be able to throw the party that my friend Adam and I came up with roughly 8 years ago: The Fanny Pack Bonanza. The theme here is simple. Everyone wears a fanny pack to the party, and is able to put one thing inside of it. At the stroke of midnight we all reveal our items and vote on who has the coolest one. If this party ever came to fruition, what would I have had in my fanny pack? A smaller fanny pack. I win.

NORMAL SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS

I’m sure I’m not alone in the fact that as a kid every weekend I looked forward to watching my Saturday morning cartoons. Bobby’s World. Animaniacs. Ducktales. All great cartoons! Ever watch a cartoon now a days? Jesus Christ, they’re terrible. Every since Pokemon came along it’s like the majority of cartoons are intended to give kids seizures. It’s all flashing lights and creepy Chinese dialogue. I swear to God, last weekend I caught the tail end of some weird cartoon on FOX. It was two talking pieces of Japanimation celery. They rubbed a tree, a beaver popped out, they all danced, roll credits. What the fuck? I felt like I was on acid. Kids deserve some normal cartoons, goddamnit! And not live action cartoons like The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, which by the way was as racist as it was awful. The black ranger was a black guy. The yellow ranger was an Asian guy. They may as well have had the white ranger wearing a klan hood instead of a helmet.

WHAT WOULDN’T MEATLOAF DO FOR LOVE?

In 1990 Meatloaf released his hit single “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)”, and for 21 frustrating years I’ve been forced to sit and wonder what it was exactly that Meatloaf wouldn’t do for love.  I think I, along with the rest of you, finally deserve an explanation. What wouldn’t you do for love, you fat bastard? Did Mrs. Loaf have some kind of twisted sexual fantasy that Mr. Loaf didn’t feel comfortable fulfilling? A rape fantasy? Beastiality? Gay stuff? Did he come home one day to find her wearing a strap on and he all of a sudden went “Okay, babe, listen. I would do just about anything for love, but I WON’T do that!” I think it’s high time that all of us loyal fans, The Meatlovers, get our answer. Hit the studio, Loaf!

VIDEO GAME CONTROLLERS WITHOUT 37 BUTTONS

What happened to the good old days when I only needed like 4 buttons, 6 max, to enjoy a nice game of Sonic The Hedgehog? Now a days every time I pick up a video game controller I feel like I’m manning mission control at Cape fucking Canaveral. Yes, I’m aware that this makes me sound like I’m an old man. Well guess what? I’m not. I’m just a 29-year-old dude who doesn’t understand why an X Box 360 controller has to have as many buttons as my television remote. Remember the classic Contra cheat code for Nintendo? Up Up, Down Down, Left Right, Left Right, B, A, Start. If that came out now a days the code would be something like Z, L, 3.14, Trigger button, 3^rd Trigger button, Niner, Niner. I know I’m probably in the minority here, but I loved the simplicity of 90’s video games. I’ll take a nice game of Mario Kart over having to wear a headset to play Call Of Duty with a 14-year-old in the Philippines any day. Shouldn’t that kid be busy making fanny packs anyway?

Now those are just a few of the things I’d like to see make a modern day comeback. Of course there are just as many aspects of the 90s that I’d like to see stay dead and buried. Tamagachi’s were mind-numbingly stupid. Hoobastank Hoobastunk. Boy bands were terrible. And on the subject of boy bands, I always found Joey Fatone’s inclusion in N’Sync to be hilarious. What are the odds of the fat one in the group literally having the last name of FatOne? Poor bastard.

Cheers,

Peter Hoare

Twitter.com/PeterHoare