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Literally every woman has a ticking time bomb within them that someday will explode and tell you to have millions of babies like a disgusting spider striped with stretch marks laying a fetid egg sac. This is called a “biological clock.” It might explode when you’re 16 or it might explode when you’re 41 (Old Maid much?), but it’s going to happen.

Did you ever make a potato clock in sixth grade? Well, in a variation on the traditional scientific experiment, here are the instructions to make a biological potato clock!

STEP 1: 
Buy two potatoes on your normal trip to the grocery store. Make sure to ask your husband/lover if he’d like potatoes as well, since if he wants potatoes you should make sure to get enough to make a clock and to give him his potatoes! Yum!
 
STEP 2: 
Also ask your man if he’d like any other groceries while you’re there for the potatoes. There’s a good chance he’d like something! Men are very hungry! For example, they sometimes like pita bread!
 
STEP 3: 
Get in your car. Make sure to adjust the side mirrors to your level if it’s your husband/father’s car – they are taller than us! Remember to keep your eyes on the road and NOT to readjust your makeup in the mirrors as you drive. Women need to be extra vigilant while behind the wheel due to spatial reasoning. Plus, your makeup already looks great, girl!
 
STEP 4: 
Pull over. You got lost on the way to the grocery store, didn’t you? Just ask a kindly gas station attendant or barkeep for directions. They’ll be sure to help you if you give a little smile and show a little gam!
 
NOTE: IF YOU WERE ASSAULTED BY A GAS STATION ATTENDANT, FOLLOW STEP 5. IF YOU WERE NOT, SKIP TO STEP 6.
 
STEP 5: 
Do not shower. Immediately call 911.
 
STEP 6: 
You’re at the grocery store! Isn’t this fun? Head to the potato section. Find two potatoes that are particularly large and starchy. If you aren’t sure which potatoes to get, ask one of the green grocers for help. He’ll love the chance to be of service!
 
NOTE: IF YOU WERE ASSAULTED BY A GREEN GROCER, FOLLOW STEP 7. IF YOU WERE NOT, SKIP TO STEP 8.
 
STEP 7: 
Do not shower. Immediately call 911 after you buy the potatoes that he recommends (he still knows his stuff, after all.)
 
STEP 8: 
Buy the potatoes. Drive home – carefully! Strap the potatoes into the passenger seat as a precaution, lest you get in an accident on the way home due to spatial reasoning. Don’t become too attached, though – they are NOT your babies! They are potatoes!
 
STEP 9: 
Make your husband/father/milkman google “how to make a potato clock” online. It involves nails, wires, etc. Very complicated.
 
STEP 10: 
Make him make one for you.
 
STEP 11: 
Now’s the part where you set the time. It’s a little subjective – you’re going to have to feel out deep within yourself when you think the all-encompassing urge to have children is going to take full control of your life and mind and body. One thing to look out for is that maybe it’s already happened and the urge you’re feeling within you is a six-month-old fetus. Once you’ve decided on a year and date and time for your biological clock, have your husband set the clock face that he put on your clock when he made it for you.
 
NOTE: IF YOU WERE ASSAULTED BY YOUR HUSBAND, FOLLOW STEP 12. IF YOU WERE NOT, SKIP TO STEP 13.
 
STEP 12: 
No worries – if it’s your husband, doesn’t really count! Feel free to shower!
 
STEP 13: 
Congrats! You’ve made your biological potato clock! You go girl!!!!!
 
This piece originally appeared in Issue #009 of The Occasional. Go download that on your iPhone or iPad.
 
Megan Amram recently signed up with Scribner to write a whole book of this stuff. Be on the lookout for SCIENCE... FOR HER!, which will address all of your biological needs. 
 
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