Nothing beats that feeling you get the day after getting a haircut—you’re a newer, fresher you and coworkers pile on exhilarating, life-affirming “New haircut? Nice.” compliments.
But nothing is worse than actually getting your hair cut because haircuts are for NARCs. So why do you need both?
Trick everyone into thinking you got a haircut while holding on to the precious strings of dead cells growing out of your head by utilizing the following strategies.
1. Color the sides of your hair the same color as the walls.
Just like Normcore, blending in to stand out has never been more IN. Simply identify the color of the walls at your work, permanently dye the sides of your hair that color, and always stand right in front of the wall!
2. Stuff the back of your hair into your turtleneck.
Your hair’s “backyard" is going to hang the lowest. As a result, it will be the most noticeable to anyone keeping track of how long you choose to keep your hair. Manipulate that narrow focus by stuffing it into the back of a stylish black turtle neck. When people notice your shoulder blanket missing, they’ll immediately jumped to the conclusion that you got a chop and before you know it, you’re getting a compliment!
3. Wear a hat that’s two sizes larger than your normal hat.
People are so used to what your hair looks like in your normal hat that if you get an identical hat 2 sizes larger, your hair will look shorter by comparison. Admirers will notice that all of a sudden you look like a goofball who wears a gigantic hat first, AND THEN they’ll see the seeming lack of hair to scale. Ipso facto, you get one of those coveted haircut compliments AND you get noticed TWICE!
4. Sprinkle hair clippings on your shoulder, down your back, and all over your slightly wet nude body.
Nothing shouts “I just got a cool new ‘do” like having copious amounts of itchy hair clippings strewn all over your body. Once they see you itching constantly and recognize the cloud of short fuzzy flecks trailing you everywhere you go, they’ll have to assume you got your haircut. It won’t matter that your hair looks exactly the same as it did yesterday because no one would be crazy enough to have such an irritating itch all day just to get an offhand compliment on their hair.
Pro tip: Most salons will let you take their old hair clippings as long as you don’t let anyone know you took them or that you were even there in the first place.
5. Tape your hair underneath your big headphones.
This one hurts.
6. Pull it into a bun and then put a small “rat’s tea party” scene on top.
They see your hair isn’t hanging to your shoulders anymore so they assume your going man-bun or standard pony today. By the time their eyes get to the bun location, though, they’re immediately distracted by the adorable “rat’s tea party” scene at the top of your head. They will have already forgotten about the possibility of you having pulled your hair back and will, by default, have to assume you got a new haircut.
7. Talk incessantly about how the person who cuts your hair looks like a mix between Shakira and Paul McCartney.
This is a classic diversionary tactic. A mix between Shakira and Paul McCartney takes a lot of brain power to imagine. By the time they’re picturing it, they’ll automatically assume the only reason you’re talking about the person who cuts your hair is because you just got a haircut and BOOM! They GOTTA say “nice haircut, by the way” as they leave the conversation. Just like that, you got what you wanted.
8. Get a bunch of dead leaves in your hair and walk in yelling “Of course this happens today! My new haircut is ruined!“
What could “this” possibly refer to? Did you roll in a leaf pile? Did you get caught up in a windy walk through the park? Is it even Fall? No one will care! They’ll be too busy saying “Nonsense, you’re new haircut looks great!“ so you aren’t upset about your fake haircut being ruined.
9. PULL your hair out.
CUTTING your hair is for Narcs, but PULLING your hair out? NOT for Narcs. It makes you look like a crazy maniac, sure, but at the end of the day, long hair is annoying and I don’t like having it but I’d rather be considered insane than someone who gets their hair cut.