1) There Was No Way To Predict All Those Survivors Would Show Up
Gee, gang. There was almost no way to predict all those survivors would show up to Madison’s Zombie Street Electrical Parade. Except for the fact that anyone with half a brain could’ve predicted it. Guess that rules out most of this cast. Keep shouting the Spanish you remember from high school, that should calm them down. ¡Lo siento! ¿Donde esta la zombioteca? Oh, look! Here comes Hero Dad.
Let him through, folks! He’s a VIP. Very Important Personwithaterribleson. Do these people on the other side of the fence understand this is a GIANT hotel and they’re congregating around one small area? Pretty sure you can go around the side and come right in. I mean, who in their right mind would rationally believe a flimsy wall would keep a group of persistent Mexicans out of a better place to live? You’d have to be a real moron to believe that a thin wall would keep a bunch of well-meaning Mexicans out of a place that offered sanctuary and salvation from otherwise unlivable conditions. Grade A dummy to believe that! Donald Trump. I’m making a Donald Trump joke. That guy is camel ass.
2) Hero Dad Is This Show’s Latest Fake Doctor
Hero Dad continues the rich tradition on this show (and the other show I watch that airs at the same time on the same network during different parts of the year) of being a fake doctor. Times are tough! And a fake doctor is better than no doctor at all. Let’s check out his stitch work!
Hmm, there appears to be a mistake. I thought I was watching Fear The Walking Dead but I guess I’m watching one of the Saw movies. Those were some pretty OK movies, I miss those movies. Pour some tequila on that thing and call it a day, Dr. Dad! You’ve got a big day ahead of you full of not parenting!
3) Maybe Just Name Him Mr. Suarez?
Does this dead guy’s name matter? Nope! It sure doesn’t. He’s quite obviously Mr. Suarez, so maybe just call him that. Oh, sorry. Almost forgot! MEXICO. Señor Suarez. Also, people on this show (and the other one) SURE LOVE DIGGING THEM SOME HOLES. Do they know digging holes takes a lot of energy and is also a pain in the butt? Maybe just roll Señor Suarez down a hill. Then pour some tequila on him and call it a day, lots more not parenting to do!
4) Magic Healing Chicken
I didn’t go to med school. I know, right? SHOCKING. But I know enough about medicine to be aware that chicken does not have any magical healing powers that make a gunshot wound go away overnight. Especially when that wound has been sewn shut with barbed wire and old Reebok shoelaces. I don’t have any more jokes for this, I just want to use this space to let you guys know I’m currently in Africa (for real) and I’m still managing to watch this show and write about it for you. Isn’t that crazy? It took me two planes and 36 hours to get here and that entire journey still didn’t feel as long as watching one episode of this show.
5) Macho Man Chris Savage
Chris, you are not a savage. I know you feel like a big bad dude with your greasy chicken face and can of room temperature diet Shasta, but you’re just a brat who learned he’s good at cheap kill shots. You’re basically one of the kids I hear my roommate yelling at when he plays Star Wars Battlefront online. Wait, did you really call The Mexibros your friends? You’ve known these guys TWO. DAYS. They are not your friends! They’re not even associates. If they asked you to help move a couch up on a Sunday, you’d have no obligation to assist. Your dad is right! May I be so bold as to suggest you listen to the one human on the planet who inexplicably is still on your side despite the fact that you’re terrible? Also, I bet more than the football guys were making fun of you in middle school. Feel fairly confident it was ALL of the guys, most of the girls, and a few of the teachers. Shit, if I was a janitor at your middle school I would’ve lost my job after pushing you into the lockers every time I saw you. Also, Lorenzo, I know you read these sometimes. Please know I’m talking about the character you play and not you. You seem like a cool dude! Hi, Lorenzo! Hope you’re great. Hope your character gets hit by a van in the next episode’s cold open.
6) Maybe Hero Dad Should Shower
Hero Dad, I know you’re all pouty because you lost 140 pounds of violent dead weight, but CHEER THE HECK UP. You’ve got hot showers and Madison is offering to prepare you a bowl of her signature ice soup! Is it a little chunky? Perhaps. But it’s also freezing cold! Eat up! Seriously though, shower? I think Madison mentioned the shower the same way a friend offers you gum when your breath smells like camel ass. Take the hint and then take the gum! And then go take a shower, you smell like Gary Busey looks.
7) The Mexibros Are Basura
Let’s review the evidence that The Mexibros are garbage. First things first, they ate all the chickens. How stupid are you that you ate ALL of the chickens? Chickens are a pretty rare commodity these days, save a few of the chickens? Also, eggs are delicious! If these dumb dumbs played their cards right, they could’ve had both eggs and chickens for many days to come. Hold that thought, let’s load up their very healthy friend in the Marty McFly truck and hit the road.
Hey, bud. I know you want to cruise around with your pals and your tunes (because same tbh.) but your amigo is LITERALLY DYING in the back. And that place you want to go? San Diego? It’s gone, broseph! Comic-Con is cancelled forever. Live in the now! On a scale of 1 to 10, The Mexibros are idiots. I swear to god, ten or twenty more episodes of this nonsense and I’m going to think about watching something else but then keep watching anyway because I’m also an idiot.
8) There’s Almost No Way To Predict Chris Would Betray Hero Dad
There’s almost no way to have predicted Chris would betray Hero Dad except for the fact that it was so obvious. What a creepy little sociopath. Also, what a punk move turning a hug into a takedown. Tonya Harding saw that and thought it was below the belt. Tom Brady thinks Chris needs to review the rule book. OJ Simpsons thought it wasn’t enough and wants Chris to step his game up if he ever wants a spot in the psycho hall of fame and to be associated with an Emmy winning TV show.
9) That’s Unfortunately Not The Last We’ll Se Of Them
As much as I wish this garbage truck would ride into the sunset and straight off a cliff, that’s not the last we’ll see of them. They will show up to the hotel and ruin everything. I called it a few weeks ago, going to repeat it now. Mostly because I like being right but also that’s what awful people do in the Walking Dead universe. That’s actually what most people do in the real universe too. Some people brighten a room by entering it, the vast majority of people brighten a room by leaving it.
10) Madison Remembered Alicia Is Her Daughter
That’s nice Madison finally remembered Alicia is her daughter. What a sweet moment. So glad she used that time to, uh, tell her that Alicia’s dad actually killed himself? And then went straight into a story about how Nick is basically her favorite child? Jesus Christ, if Madison and Hero Dad wrote a book about how to be good parents it would be two plank pages held together with a half-chewed stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Join us next week! Will keeping a parking garage full of sick people turn out to be a bad idea? Yes! Of course it will. Will we find out that The Mexibros killed Chris because he got a sore throat? I mean, it’s not like they had a choice. Will Nick EVER take a shower? No. No he will not. It would be too much character development. Will I write about the two episode season finale happening next week, even though I’ll still be in Africa? You know it! I wish I knew how to quit you guys and also this show. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S02E14 and S02E15 of Fear The Walking Dead!