I think there’s a point in almost every man’s life when he’s an asshole to women, and times when he’s a mushy sweetheart, or if you’re looking for rude terms, a pussy. I believe every guy goes through what I like to call ‘First Girlfriend Syndrome’. This is a devastating ailment, it has you acting like a crazy person, an emotional person, and a completely dependent person. It’s a shame that something so terrible is caused by something so beautiful, and that’s the first time a girl ever touches your penis.
As amazing as it is it’s eventually terrible in the long run. But it’s also a rite of passage for any young man. It’s hard for any man not to instantly fall in love with the first girl that touches his penis, you can’t believe anyone other than you is completely willing to do this. But because of this you’ll fall hard, you’ll believe they can do no wrong and you may even think you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. But that’s almost never the case. I could tell the story of how I dealt with the syndrome, but I think we all know how it goes, and it’s not very pretty. I DIDN’T CRY! I swear! But if you’re a guy and reading this I’m saying it’s ok if you did. My first girlfriend in this situation left me for another guy, a guy I in fact hated at the time so I would of died before giving her the satisfaction of letting her see me cry. Anyways, since I’m not in the mood to tell a story of the time I was a sweetheart (which is usually most of the time) I’ll tell a story of one of the rare time’s I was an asshole.
This wasn’t even with a girl I was dating, I don’t jump into a relationship with just any girl that comes along willing to touch my dick. I have to feel something special to get together, and not something special in my pants, although that’s definitely a prerequisite. This is a tale of one night I spent with a lovely girl who’s name I have forgotten, in fact I’m not confident I ever knew it. But stick with me, this isn’t going to go the cool and smooth direction you might be expecting.
It was the night before St. Patricks day. I was attending college and my friends and I got the bright idea to throw a pre-St. Patricks day party at my place. We did the whole college thing, ladies came over, we played beer pong, we poured dish soap onto the kitchen floor to make it into a dance floor, typical college guy stuff. I wasn’t a fan of beer at the time, I wasn’t fully a man yet, so I drank rum and coke. And beer pong with rum and coke is a good way to get insanely drunk if you’re curious.
Now before I continue I must say I’m not the most outgoing person. I’ve been called ‘reserved’ before, a adjective I kind of like and feels suits me very well at times. When I’m around my close friends I’m totally the opposite but at a party with a bunch of people I don’t know it’s tough for me to get into that mode. But not when I’m playing beer pong with rum and coke.
So after a few games I end up getting teamed up with what might be a lovely young lady I don’t know. Let’s call her Sipserella, because that’s possible? And I’m being loud, possibly funny, but I guess I was being charming as well. Or maybe I looked good that night in my thin young boy beard and my plaid shirt. So Sipserella and I are giggling and having fun all night but I don’t really stick around that much.
I’ll cut the story down, mainly because I don’t remember all of it for obvious reasons, but 7 a.m. rolls around and Sipserella goes to my bed and waits for me. I’m not sure how long she was waiting but I do know while she was waiting I was out in the hall talking with another girl. One of the rare time’s I could of been considered a ‘Playa’ (don’t worry next story I tell will make me out to be a pussy to balance me out, but this story won’t be as believable if I start with a self deprecating story). After talking with the girl in the hallway I move towards the bedroom and see Sipserella just waiting there for me. I know what you’re probably thinking, “Fuck that’s hot, did you fuck her bro?” Well no, it just so happens I had no interest in this girl what so ever, I was just flirting with her all night because that can be fun, so I guess it was my fault she was waiting for me but needless to say I was not impressed she was in there. But it was 7am, I was very intoxicated. So I said fuck it and just got into bed next to her and closed my eyes as quick as possible so she wouldn’t make a move. I thought it worked…
I woke up several minutes, or hours later I’m not sure with a tongue in my mouth. She apparently got the courage to make a move while I was passed out. As first I was scared, I had no idea what was in my mouth and it was moving around so I thought to myself, it must be a spider or something! I jumped back and saw her looking at me confused. I thought this whole situation was sort of disturbing, but after a few moments I thought to myself, fuck it. And even though I had no interest in her, I did the typical guy thing, and I started making out with her anyways. We were kissing for a few minutes and for some crazy reason I wasn’t into it, go figure right? But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t willing to have sex with her. So I did one of the smoothest moves of all time, now fellas, if you’re reading this, take note. I took her hand and I gently placed it on my penis. Oldest trick in the book I’m pretty sure.
Interesting turn of events though because it turns out, the lady that put her tongue in a passed out corpse wasn’t in the mood to touch a penis. It’s a crazy world we live in. She pulled her hand back and just kept kissing me. And I thought to myself, this is stupid. So of course, I thought I’d try again, second times a charm. Smooth move attempt number two happens and she pulled back again and stops kissing me. She pulls back and looks into my eyes and in a very soft and beautiful voice says “Can we just kiss?” and here’s where I did one of the biggest asshole moves of my life…
I said “No”, turned over and went back to bed. She was gone before I woke up.
- Anthony King