All I want for Hanukkah is my Rabid Anti-Semite Wife
Christmas night I wed my wife, who didn’t know I was a Jew.
“You’re joking!” she said!
I slapped my forehead, “Anti-Semite ain’t a bad joke too?!”
Our wedding night gave a me start,to see her buttocks bare,
Tattooed in the dark, ‘twas apparently “no lark,”
Hitler and Himmler dueling down there!
I grew more suspicious it wasn’t a lark, when she hung a Nazi flag,
Then spray painted on the side of the garage,
Raus Jueden! Slavs! Gypsies! Raus Fags!
She shoulda’ known missing foreskin couldn’t have been by chance,
Or family weddings would play Hava Nagila and say,“Goyim! May i have this Jewish
dance?"Or that her name was now Brunhilde Goldstein should have given a clue,
That a menorah and dreidel on Christmas was the Jewiest thing to do.
My sweet angel turned demon, her eyes flashed red, she bared
her teeth as she turned and stormed towards the door
With a Linda Blair growl, she snarled,she shouted,
"Zieg Heil hasslich Juden!” right arm hand raised, and “Ja Vol!”
Brunhilde! Shwumpie! Don’t go! I love you! Please stay!
I begged but shoulda’ let her go that night.
From then on she would try to kill me every day
with Wiley Coyote like plots on my life.
Why i don’t know she stopped and didn’t go,
Maybe it was love or something else.
Or maybe it was a big Jewish savings account,
to fund her movement’s next Holocaust.
So she breathed a moment or two, before slithering away,
in a basement to plot my demise.
It’d be the usual poison, an ax, electrocution
or slicings and stabbings with knives.
Car bombing, acid, toaster thrown in my tub,
A punch with a spring loaded boxing glove
And dead animals left on my side of the bed,
though maybe some were left in love.
Candlestick, mace, pepper spray in my face,
For her my time was due
Catapult, arquebus, water board, her final solution for “boo.”
I shoulda’ thunk it’d never work, but what’s a man in love to do?
Lose my mate over a simple mistake? A blunder? Or just a boo boo?
I resolved, we’d work it out! Like marriages before!
But I shoulda’ let her walk out that open front door.
So I’d holler “I love you honey! Sweet Dreams! Goodnight!”
“GO TO HELL!” was her only retort.
When i would try and kiss her, like a Doberman she’d bite me
So i’d blow a kiss as a last resort.
The police rolled in the 208th a domestic violence report,
“Sir either this stops or you’ll have to go to divorce court.”
So from pit and a pendulum, they untied my ropes.
I knew what to do, shoulders slumped like a mope.
I sighed and relented, and in papers consented
for her to be strapped to a rack.
And now she’s immobile and somewhat more docile
wearing a Hannibal Lechter like mask.
Having kids was a puzzle, cause on the way out
she’d strangle’m with umbilical cord.
No master race, but blonde Jews with self-hate
ten blue-eyed survivors, a miracle.
I’d try to reason, I’d try to rhyme,and all sorts of logic to change her mind.
“What if the ozone continues to degrade
Then what for a melanin-less master race?”
“All would die of skin cancer, a monolithic gene pool
When building a Reich, use EVERY genetic tool.”
“And what are Jews anyways, but the same as you?
Go back 500 generations, we have the same Grammy and Pop-Pop too.”
And she looked at me, her demeanor did change.
Her looked had softened, as did the scowl on her face.
And I looked in her eyes began to see a soul
Then she quickly stabbed my eye with a pencil.
Despite that we grew old, her strapped down in that mask.
I’d feed her mashed peas through mouth hole.
I dreaded the day she would soon pass away,
And me, without my anti-Semite wife,all alone,