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September 06, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

According to a new poll, one in five people think Clint Eastwood was the highlight of the Republican National Convention. Apparently the last time an old man talking to himself was this popular was when John McCain spoke the night before.

Analysts say Apple may sell 10 million iPhone 5s in a week. "We're so...can't wait...Cupertino!" said an Apple spokesperson in a phone interview.

In related news, Apple is denying that they gave consumers' device IDs to the FBI. Apple insists they're the only one's tracking you at all times.

Former New York City Mayor Ed Koch is reportedly staying up to date on the Democratic National Convention despite undergoing a series hospital tests. Doctors say they're still trying to figure out how he has managed to subsist solely on tree bark and water mixed with honey.

A new article in Vanity Fair describes how the Church of Scientology auditioned potential wives for Tom Cruise. Things got really messy though when they later tried to audition potential zygotes.

In response, a Scientology representative said, “The entire story is hogwash." You can tell he's being honest because he's really trying to sound like a human.

On Wednesday, DC debuted a new Green Lantern who is Muslim. For those unfamiliar with comics, Green Lantern has the ability to create any object using his willpower and imagination. If only there was an object that could convince people he's not a terrorist.

The Centers for Disease Control say one-third of adults now suffer from high blood pressure. That's the CDC: Yet again taunting vampires to attack us and make us their cattle.

The Department of Justice says that BP's "gross negligence" led to the Gulf oil spill disaster. Not surprisingly, the Department of Overpoliteness cautioned against being "too judgy."

Said government lawyers, “The behavior, words, and actions of these BP executives would not be tolerated in a middling size company manufacturing dry goods for sale in a suburban mall." To further show their anger, the lawyers folded a piece of paper in half and threw it on a table.

The NFL is donating $30 million to brain research. "Money you have take please fix," said an NFL spokesperson.

President Obama’s Thursday night convention speech is being relocated due to potentially severe weather. However, Obama said it felt good to not have to blame the Republicans for something for once.

Hundreds of Afghan soldiers were fired following attacks by local police and military on international troops. The soldiers who were let go say at least they'll have time to pursue their hobbies, such as attacking international troops.

On Wednesday, New York heard arguments in favor of labeling stripping an art form. The decision was initially scheduled to occur behind closed doors, but that required a major credit card.