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January 10, 2012

I’ve been seeing a bunch of public service announcements where pre-teens talk about how bullying needs to stop and how teachers can help. Guess what? Children are horrible animistic little shits that will eat their own at the first sight of weakness, and teachers legally can’t do shit about bullying.

Before you get on your high horse, Lady Godiva, I’ll knock you down and slap you under that horse like a picture from Slaughter House Five. I was bullied horribly, I got my first concussion in kinder garden when this asshole named Paul smashed me in the head with a huge block and bled me out like Kosher beef. Yea, there were two gingers in my entire town and the other one was one of my brothers. Guess what? No matter how many people I told it never stopped, I was in second grade when two douche bags cracked my orbital bone because I had a big mouth, the list goes on. I had no friends and school was a nightmare until high school, but it made me a better, more driven person.

So, now that your asshole is unclenched and you’re done righteously jerking off at your own thoughts about how wrong I am, eat this… kids are killing themselves because of douche bags like you. That’s right, adults can stop bullying about as much as astrology can predict my bowel movements. Children spend a load of time alone in school and when they get home. You can’t stop other kids from bullying for one reason alone, the alpha male is always going to be the kid everyone looks up to. It doesn’t matter that by the time the little prick is 16 he’ll be in counselling because he was awake every time his dad touched him at night, when that kid gets to school he makes others lives hell and everyone looks up to him for it.

Instead of taking power away from kids and leaving them with teachers who’re as effective as masturbating with your left hand, do like my brothers did, teach them to stand up for themselves. Teaching kids to stand up for themselves at a young age is going to stick with them for the rest of their life. See, as someone who had issues with other kids (see how I don’t call myself a victim? That’s because having a victim’s mentality makes it okay to give up and kill yourself) I know that without my brothers teaching me to stick up for myself, I’d probably come home bitching about my life everyday instead of changing it. They showed me that when you take the power away from a bully he’s just some snivelling brat whose got more parental issues than the stripper I just buried in my backyard. It’s time to realise that kids can take care of themselves, so stop letting them think that every time they’re in trouble someone is going to come rescue them. My brothers let me see I already had a big mouth and a sharp wit, but they taught me how to humiliate assholes, and throw a punch when it was needed. I’d say that without them I might be dead, but in all honesty, I’m so awesome that I’d probably have turned out fine.

There’s one more thing I’d like to address, cyber bullying. Cyber bullying is about as effective as Michael J Fox trying to colour inside the lines if you get your kids away from the computer for a while. I get it, kids get bombarded with emails, their facebook pages get tons of messages calling them fags and that gets horrible. But, when you get your kid away from the Internet, that stuff will all seem trivial. That’s right, a social media writer is telling kids, get off the fucking Internet and go running you fat worthless pieces of shit. Peoples insults won’t bother your kids if they’re doing something that builds self worth, so instead of letting them jerk off to a monkey raping a frog, no matter how hilarious and sexy it may be, get these little balls of cellulose involved in a god damn hobby. When kids have something important to them you won’t have to worry about them hanging themselves in the closet while masturbating to Bey Blade (If you actually know what that is I hope you die masturbating in a closet to Bey Blade).

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a 25 year old who’ll never procreate, but I had two mentors who taught me right. People need to start thinking again, stop taking power away from your kids and start teaching them how awesome they can be. If you made the mistake of not pulling out or pushing your girl down an elevator shaft, you’re stuck with the responsibility of another life, don’t let it be a pussy. Kids are getting more and more fucked up, arm them with a keen wit, high self worth, and an even keener uppercut.

By @prosextips

Dedicated to my brothers, the people that gave me more black eyes than anyone else ever could.