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ISIS Rebrands to Distance Itself From Mobile Payments Upstart

The “hugely successful” terror outfit was uncomfortable sharing its name with a “tottering” payments upstart

The Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi-led terror outfit currently wreaking havoc across Iraq and Syria on Monday issued a statement clarifying its recent decision to change its name from the “Islamic State of Iraq and Sham” to just the “Islamic State”. The outfit’s Council of Radical Muslim Elders with the Divine Gift of Extraordinary Appellative Faculties (CRMEDGEAF) took the radical step of rechristening the group not because of any “expansionist agenda or an insatiable lust for territory”, as is being implied in the mainstream media, but as a desperate measure to distance its successful self from a mostly unsuccessful mobile payments company that has failed to gain any real traction, the Islamic State said in its statement.

“The Council of Radical Muslim Elders with the Divine Gift of Extraordinary Appellative Faculties (CRMEDGEAF) convened an emergency meeting at the end of June, when it emerged that our hugely successful organisation shared its name with a struggling mobile payments company that is yet to gain even a respectable foothold in the U.S. payments market, despite being backed by the top three U.S. telecom carriers. (We can’t even begin to imagine all the great things we could’ve accomplished with the backing of a powerful consortium comprising the likes of AT&T, Verizon and T-Mobile.) After several rounds of deliberation, we concluded that any comparisons with such an unsuccessful entity could only be to the detriment of our esteemed organization, which has all along aspired to excellence and greatly despised mediocrity. In the end, we decided to rebrand,” the Islamic State said, adding that it does not see ISIS making a dent in the mobile payments market, as the industry is likely to gradually eschew the physical Secure Element-based approach to NFC payments in favor of alternatives like Google-backed HCE.

When asked to comment on rumors that the terror outfit’s leader is holding “advanced” talks with Google and Rolex about lending his name to a new line of branded smart watches aimed at a radical audience, an IS spokesperson said, “God knows best.”

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