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March 03, 2009


Remember the van? Remember how fucking cool the van was? Remember when having a van was way cooler than having a Hummer or Navigator or any other SUV? Personally as a child I thought my Grandfather was cooler than a Titanic passenger's corpse the day he got a van for our family trips. It had a ladder on the back, seating 8 people, a table between the second row captain's chairs, blinds and curtains on the windows, the back seat folded down into a mini bed, and 2 fucking gas tanks! In 1989 I thought that was the flyest shit ever! It was like driving in a hotel room tricked out by Q from the James Bond films. Even the factory paint job was awesome: champagne with scarlet piping!

I thought about this because I passed a van the other day just like my grandfather's with a stock sky blue fade to navy blue paintjob with red and white piping. It was fucking nice. The van was a symbol of being "with it" for a long time. There was a time when a 16-year old kid would have turned down a brand new civic as a first car for a van. You could trick it out a million different ways and party in it, no hotel room required! Jocks, preps, musicians, stoners, families, man the van was for everybody! Then the freaks got a hold to it. The van tried to hold on but soon it was alllllll lost. The van survived drug dealers, douches, assholes, hell even kidnappers! But then the rapists and molestors got their hands on it and the van was banished to the annals of the American way. They tried to revamp it and put more windows on it, add tv's, automatic doors and other kid friendly shit, they even made it smaller. But it didn't work. The van was stuck giving off that Matthew McConaughey in "Dazed and Confused" vibe and it was lost forever.

Oh sweet, sweet van. We'll always remember you the way you were, even though we see you the way you became.