1. Bring a couple vacuums and try to sell them to people while they mingle.
2. Always introduce myself by saying the last time that person called me a faggot. “Hey…Eric? It’s Chris! You last called me a faggot in AP Psych! Good to see you!!!”
3. Show up soaking wet and refuse to address it or acknowledge that I am.
4. Constantly apologize to everyone I see for vague, horrific things I said about them in high school. “I was young, I was dumb. The things I said about your face, personality and family were among the most disgusting things a person could say about someone, and I’m so sorry. Can we just let the past be the past? Hug?”.
5. Set up a paper-mache station and let people make life-size replicas of what they want to look like in another ten years, but then constantly tell them they’re doing it wrong.
6. Ask every single person I talk to if they want to watch a web video I made a couple years ago on my phone. Then ask to use theirs because I’m weird about people and my phone, I don’t want anyone stealing it.
7. Stand in the back, alone, and teach myself how to juggle all night.
8. Every time someone comes up to say hi, cut them off with, “Can we PLEASE not do this tonight? PLEASE?! Can we just be adults? That’s all Im asking.”
9. Constantly bring up that I thought there was going to be a pool.
10. Stand up and give a ten-minute speech on bravery with really confusingly prevalent African American/slavery metaphors.
11. Drink from a giant glass of milk all night.
12. Keep bringing up the great work I’m doing on Twitter. “I’m really proud of some of the things I’m doing on there, you gotta check it out. It’s been really good for me.”
13. Bring a dunk tank.
14. Go up to a guy and embarrassingly admit that right after high school, I got his name tattooed above my right nipple, then show him and ask if he’ll pose for a picture with it. If he’s uncomfortable, just keep reminding him that at least we can laugh about this for the rest of our lives. Also tell him it would be fun to take the same picture every reunion and see how his name begins to droop and sag around my areola.
15. Show up with an enormous wound on my neck.
16. Every time someone introduces themselves, say, “Oh my god! Yes! I think I remember you. Were you the girl that was such a complete fucking trainwreck all four years!?”.
17. Keep trying to get people to move the reunion over to Water World.
18. Bring ingredients to make my own tacos and then laboriously make myself dinner all night.
19. Constantly make vague references to complicated litigation I’m involved in that’s ruining my life.
20. Not go.
By Chris Kelly