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September 28, 2015
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We hired some unscrupulous private investigators to get the scoop - and here's what they found...

While it seems like the show ended just a couple of days ago, it has truly been ages. After hiring a team of unscrupulous private investigators*, we were able to get the scoop** on nearly all of the contestants involved in our show. You won’t BELIEVE what they found…

DREW

Eliminated: Episode 1
Best Known For: self sacrifice; team motivation; bathroom crying

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Despite his claim that “this is not the last time that America will see Drew,” Episode 1 was the last time America has seen Drew. Our investigators gave us a partial refund for this one.


FRANKIE 5%

Eliminated: Episode 2
Best Known For: female judge appreciation; helmet hair; making his pecs dance

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Frankie went into a bit of a funk after the show and started binge eating and slacking on his workouts. At one point, his body fat was even recorded at 5.2%. With a strict diet and exercise routine, he’s now down to 4.9%. Our prayers go out to him.


JAZZY T

Eliminated: Episode 2
Best Known For: NEVER turning down; self-confidence; rocking the bug-cleavage look

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Jazzy T went back to the radio station for a little while, but eventually decided she wanted a quiet life. She started organic gardening and is now trying to get Whole Foods Markets to distribute her specialty Jazzy T Turnt Up Turnips. The “turnt up” element is that they are infused with artisanal homemade small-batch vodka.


AUBREY

Eliminated: Episode 3
Best Known For: being ridiculously hot; cracking jokes; comparing meteor patterns to a bipolar woman

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Aubrey became a rising star in the Los Angeles improv comedy scene and was quickly cast as the improbably attractive wife of a heavy-set male comedian. She spends most of her money on photo equipment for her true passion: her Instagram account.


CORNBREAD

Eliminated: Episode 4
Best Known For: food-related nicknames; weather smarts; country-boy charm

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Cornbread combined his secret smarts and his access to the hardware store where he works, and was able to start an Etsy store where he sells homemade weapons and baked goods. We’re not sure what the legality of this is, but we think the interesting combination makes it a-ok.


MILLER

Eliminated: Episode 5
Best Known For: unrelenting smiles; top-notch costume-wearing; being #TeamMackenzie

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Miller was disheartened by his loss and left his news job back home. He decided to put his happy-go-lucky demeanor and his wrestling experience to use and was able to start a one-man business, contracting his services to nightclubs as “The World’s First Friendly Bouncer.”


JENN

Eliminated: Episode 6
Best Known For: being more than meets the eye; butting heads with Jeff; running on the beach

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Jenn was so inspired by putting her makeup on in the dark that she started an upscale novelty boutique where the rich can go and get their own makeup done in the dark. She has become incredibly wealthy from this genius and utterly useless business venture.


JEFF

Eliminated: Episode 6
Best Known For: general weather knowledge; consistent sassiness; twerking

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Jeff was so shaken by his encounters with Roxy that he went on to become a prominent anti-puppeteering lobbyist in the state of California. He recently held a “Twerk-In” protest that nearly put the Jim Henson Company out of business.


CHRISTINA

Eliminated: Episode 7
Best Known For: cloud photography; Zumba; becoming Tornado Terry

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Christina really found herself when she got to dress up as Tornado Terry and William Dampier. As a result, she’s begun touring the nation with a stage show that is 50% weather expertise, 50% self-help seminar, and 100% impressive homemade costumes.


RON

Eliminated: Episode 8
Best Known For: living in his parents’ basement; flexibility; winning Cast Offs

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Ron opened up a retreat where interns can get out of their parents’ basements and away from the hustle and bustle of their unpaid jobs. All was going well until the counselors (interns) decided it was unfair that they had to work while the campers (also interns) got to have all the fun. After a brief–and surprisingly violent–uprising and a two-day standoff with the FBI, the camp was closed down. Ron has since returned to his intern position at the news station in Detroit.


MICHELLE

Eliminated: Episode 8
Best Known For: professionalism; resting b face; the Rotunda Butt

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Right after the finale episode aired, Michelle was awarded the Guinness World Record for “Highest Number of Annoyed Reaction Shots in a Single Series of a Television Show.” She has also taken her talent on the road, looking annoyed at state fairs for money. We’re still unable to confirm the rumors that she’s engaged to Jim Castillo.


MACKENZIE

Series Winner!
Best Known For: Miss America; puppeteering; winning America’s Next Weatherman

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Mackenzie has gone on to great success since being named “America’s Next Weatherman.” After a long and illustrious career in the weather biz, she’s now looking toward the future and hopes to become a guest judge on some kind of meta-reality show about weather forecasters. We think it’s just crazy enough to work…


JOHNNY MOUNTAIN

Series Judge
Best Known For: hating puppets; loving the Rotunda Butt; rocking a beautiful white mane

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Johnny Mountain still has a passion for footwear and he got a picture of Michelle’s rump airbrushed on the inside of the casket he will one day be buried in.


JILLIAN BARBERIE

Series Judge
Best Known For: helpful guidance; making fun of Matt; looking fabulous

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Shortly after the show ended, it was revealed that Jillian’s secret to staying youthful was drinking orphan blood. She is now the spokeswoman for Timeless Beauty® brand, Orphan Blood. Timeless Beauty® insists that they only prick the orphans’ fingers to harvest their blood and that all the orphans are fairly compensated. These claims have not yet been substantiated.


MATT

Series Host
Best Known For: constant insecurity; prescription yogurts; “accidentally” leaving his headshots lying around

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Matt bought a Winnebago after the last episode and has been traversing North America with Roxy and the puppet of himself. At the time of this writing, he is still struggling with his lactose intolerance.


* We couldn’t afford actual private investigators, so we just asked our social media team to see what they could find.

** They couldn’t really find anything, so we consider all of these claims entirely invalid.

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