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June 09, 2015

An Open Letter From Gluten

Hi, It’s me. Gluten. I hope it’s not too weird I’m reaching out like this considering I’m an inanimate protein compound and all. But It’s been a long time and…I want you back. I really thought this was just a phase you were going through yet here we are. The days have turned to weeks and the weeks to months. And after all these years together you want to throw it away for some silly trend? Did you forget all the good times?

I guess I just don’t understand. We’ve been together ever since your first teeth broke in. Animal crackers in your highchair, pizza day at middle school, beer pong at Chi Psi, I was there for it all! I tolerated your shit all these years and now you can’t tolerate me? I hope this isn’t about those times at breakfast where I cut up the roof of your mouth. Because if it is don’t blame me; blame The Cap’n!

I get that your friends got rid of me in their lives but do you really want to be miserable like them? I take that back you are miserable like them. Picture what life used to be like together. The vision is grainy I’m sure but undeniably there. I know for a fact you’re not ready to let go. You think I don’t remember Cinco De Mayo? The taco truck owners could have entered early retirement off your order alone. A drunk heart speaks a sober mind and yours said “TACOS IN AND AROUND MY MOUTH.” I’ll admit it felt good for me too….until you woke up the next morning resuming your “gluten-free” lifestyle.

But are you really free? Is this diet not a shackle? Confined to alternative menus and specialty stores is not free. Stop lying to yourself and come back to me. I’ll always be there for you. I promise to never run out and I mean that. Literally. I literally will never run out. Olive Garden has bottomless breadsticks for just $6.99 and thousands of convenient locations. Just promise me you’ll think about it. It’s time to stop living gluten-free and be free with gluten instead.

Love Always,