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March 01, 2012
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If the women in your life are anything like mine, they're gonna be withholding a lot of sex. Usually for reasons you don't even remember. Here's a handy list. *(Originally written, but rejected, for a certain college based comedy site. Posting it here for validation)*

1)  She’s still upset over her Christmas Gift.

            Remember what you got your girlfriend for Christmas?  You had to think about it, didn’t you?  She didn’t.  She remembers exactly the dark blue wool peacoat, worth about $160, but there was a sale that week you went Christmas shopping, so you probably actually only paid about $90, that you bought in a large.  A large?!  How fat do you think she is?  She’s been working out and starving herself for months, and you buy her a large?!  Also, who the hell ACTUALLY fits into a small?  Those might as well be children’s sizes.

 

2)  She’s still upset over how you spent New Year’s Eve.

            If she’s still pissed about Christmas, she’s DEFINITELY still pissed about New Year’s.  She wanted to go out dancing with HER friends, but you insisted on going to that house party with all YOUR friends and getting way too drunk.  And to top it all off, you threw up all over that brand new coat you got her!  That’s why she hasn’t worn it since.  No, she didn’t hate it, that was her favorite coat!  Of course you don’t remember throwing up on it, YOU were drunk.

 

3) Professors aren’t allowed to date students.

            That’s not going to keep you from trying, though!  Go for it, dude.  Bring flowers to class on Valentine’s.  The worse she can say is no.  Or call Campus Security.  Again.  But who knows, maybe some girl in class will think it’s cute.

 

4)  You just met.

            Seriously?!  You just met this girl like two weeks ago.  You’re not getting laid.  What do you think she is, some kind of slut?  Besides, who the hell asks a girl to a second date on Valentine’s Day?  Do you really think she’s gonna buy that whole “Oh, wait, TODAY’S Valentine’s Day?!” speech you’ve got planned out?  You think it’s just going to make you look dopey and cute; it’s just going to make you look retarded.

5)  You bought her the wrong flowers.

            Oh, man, you totally had this one in the bag.  It was a sealed deal.  She was gonna rock your world like no girl has before.  But you had to go out and buy fucking lilies.  Like a dumbass.  She hates lilies.  Your ex was the one that liked lilies!  You might as well have gotten her roses!  No, don’t go buy roses, she hates roses, too!  It’s like you don’t even know her anymore!  Probably should have just stuck with chocolates.  NO, not THOSE chocolates!  Shit!

 

6)  Your roommate’s getting laid and hogging the room.

            Okay, this is it.  Excuse to get her back to your place:  Check.  Nice bottle of wine:  Check.  Condoms:  Check.  You get all the way up to your dorm room when…you roommate’s got a sock on the door.  God.  Dammit.  You know the rules, bro.  Maybe he’ll tell you about it tomorrow morning.  Okay, you know he will.  Every nasty detail.  Whether you want him to or not.

 

7)  Your roommate’s NOT getting laid and hogging the room.

            Remember that time you ate all his Cheez-Its and drank two of his beers.  Ain’t payback a bitch?  Looks like your train to Pound Town’s gonna take a detour to Cockblock City!  You get her back to your place, but your roommate and his friends are totally having a Call of Duty marathon!  YES, all night!  He told you about this like two weeks ago!  Of course you don’t remember, YOU were drunk.

 

8)  [INSERT MANDATORY MASTURBATION JOKE HERE]

            Let’s face it, you knew one was coming.  What’s it gonna be “durr hurr you’re outta lube”?  Or how about “oops internet’s down, guess that means no porn for you”?  Just think up your own, they’re all the same.

 

9)  She wanted to dance.

            Remember when she said she wanted to dance?  She wanted to dance!  Dancing is like sex for girls.  You know how much you think about sex?  That’s how much girls think about dancing.  What dress are they going to wear dancing?  What shoes are they going to wear dancing?  Do the shoes go with the dress?  Is anyone else going to wear the same dress?  That bitch Allison better not wear the same dress.  Does she look good dancing with you?  Would she look better dancing with Steve?  Would she look better dancing with that bitch Allison?  That would turn a lot of heads!  The point is, you should haved danced.

 

10) She’s cheating on you.

            That’s gotta be the only explanation.  The night’s winding down and she had fun and all, and you’re really sweet, but she’s gonna head home.  A delicate little kiss goodnight and she’s off…to the other guy.  I mean that’s GOTTA be the only explanation.  You’re great.  You’re funny.  You’re attractive.  You’re in shape.  She’s gotta be cheating on you.  Either that or she’s gay.  Yeah, she’s gay!  That’s gotta be it!  That’s gotta be why she won’t sleep with you.  Who cares?  She’s a whore anyway.  Pour another drink.  That girl on the Sailor Jerry’s bottle would sleep with you if she were real.

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