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June 04, 2011

I will solve all of everyone's problems

Question 1 from Adriana in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, NY:

Dear Dr. J,

?How do you suggest I make all my dreams come true career wise and have a loving healthy relationship to myself and my boyfriend?

Dr. J: Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Hold up just a second.  Let me get this straight, you want all your dreams to come true and you want to love yourself and your boyfriend?  I want to be the Queen of England, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.  Firstly, you can't love yourself and your boyfriend.  It's one or the other.  If he is rich, choose him.  If he is poor, lose him. 

  Stop focusing on all your dreams.  That's not gonna happen.  Pick one easily attainable dream and shoot for that.  Like, "I wish I could go out to dinner less and go to the supermarket once a week to save money" or "I've always wanted to run a marathon".  Bad example, marathons are really long and really hard.  That's not gonna happen either.  How about this?  "I'm gonna remember to bring a tote bag to Trader Joe's to reduce my carbon footprint.  And I'm going to limit myself to no more than 5 hours of TV a day."  You feel better already don't you?     

  Question 2 from Kamal in New York, NY:

Dear Dr. J,

  Since your beloved Celtics have been eliminated (and may be DONE as we know them), who would you like to see win the NBA chip this year. Also who do you think WILL take it all this year. Not necessarily the same question.

Dr. J:  Hey there Kamal.  I'm GOING to go with whatever TEAM you DON'T want to win.  See you in HELL

Question 3 from T-Bone in Manchester, VT:

Dear Dr. J,

Has there ever been a recorded case of a woman having a wet dream?

Dr. J:  Surprisingly, I don't have the answer to that, but I know how you can find out.  The next time your girlfriend goes to sleep follow my instructions.  Step 1) Masturbate into a jar Step 2) Dilute the semen with water and baking soda to create a filmy substance that resembles women's goo. (If you have a more proven recipe, like Cream of Wheat and mayonnaise, don't be afraid to use it). Step 3) Create the crime scene by dumping the imitation goo on and around her private parts. (By private parts I mean pussy, taint, and asshole).  Step 4) Wake her up at around 4 AM (Right in the nocturnal emission wheelhouse) and tell her she woke you up when she screamed "Fuck me you pussy" at the top of her lungs.  Step 5) Ask her how her wet dream was?  If she says it was amazing, she's a liar.  If she's says I don't remember, you point to the wet sheets and call her a liar.  Either way she's a liar.  Tuck away that "Get Outta JO Jail Free" card for when she catches you beating off in the shower.  You're very welcome.  

Question 4 from Jessica in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY:

Dear Dr. J,

Professionally speaking, I often compare myself to my peers and either feel stunted in my career path or creatively unfulfilled. What can I do to feel more successful & satisfied in my career?

Dr. J: The problem isn't you Jessica.  It's your peers.  Their too successful.  You need to surround yourself with underachievers and simpletons.  Get out of New York immediately.  New York is full of people just waiting to make you look worthless or tiny or pathetic.  Move somewhere with really low expectations like Mississippi.  Mississippi has the lowest literacy rates in the country AND their the fattest state 5 years in a row.  Their sate slogan is "Mississippi, Fat and Stupid".   

   Your other option, if you choose to stay in New York, is to start hanging around Starbucks, Best Buy, and Barnes & Noble rest rooms.  These are like homeless Russian bath houses that smell like cheese and testacles.  Once you start comparing yourself to these unfortunates, you'll start feeling pretty darn good about yourself. Also, stop associating with people that challenge you and start interacting with people you can control. 


 Question 5 from Frankie in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY:

Dear Dr. J,

I was recently returning movies to the public library after hours. During those times a community of homeless congregates outside the front doors ( I'd say thirty (30) give or take. As I was returning my movies at least three of the downtrodden asked me for a dollar. I ignored them; however, when I returned to my car I noticed I had a crisp shiny George Washington, a G Dub, A one spot. As I was leaving I got the homeless community's attention, waived the GDub at them and let it off into the sky hoping to spark a winner take all race to the dollar. I never looked back but felt bad afterwards and questioned why i would do such a thing.

Three weeks later I was thinking of the previous event and concerned for my ownself Karma/Balance with the Gods while I was pumping gas. I spotted three bums begging outside this particular gas station. I went into the gas station and bought exactly 1 tall boy, and 2 reg cans of Ice House and distributed them amongst the gas station downtrodden. I gave the tall boy to the oldest of the three.

Is my debt paid and my karma back in tact or must I do more?

Dr. J:  I'm sorry Frankie.  You've done well so far, but you must go the extra mile to repent for that heinous act of cruelty.  Sure a bum will take free beer and money, but what he's really looking for is human contact.  Lay down beside him in his bed of New York Posts and sing him a lullaby.  Hold him until he falls asleep and/or stops talking about space men. 

  When he awakes from the best slumber he's had in years, take him to Georgio Armani to get him fitted for a suit.  Get him a shower and a shave and put him up at the Ritz Carlton.  Right about now, he's feeling pretty good about himself.  He's thinking, "Maybe I can be hap..."BAM! THWAP! That's the sound of the bum getting hit in the back of the head with an oar.  Make sure you hire another bum to hit the first bum (Hitting a bum is bad karma).  Put him in your trunk and drive to a thickly wooded area.  Pull him out of the trunk and tell him you will kill him if he doesn't give you the microfilm.  Interrogate him for a few hours then tell him you're just kidding.  Take him back to the bench where you found him and find another bum and repeat process.  You can't do something good without an equal and opposite reaction.  It's the law of gravity.  Balance.  

Question 6 from Anonymous in Anonymous, AN:

Dear Dr. J,

So, I can't help but notice that this girl keeps 'liking" and commenting on almost every other thing on my boyfriends' facebook page. I know they know each other "like that" from the past, but from what I hear from him, it was brief and she is lame, so I really don't think I have anything to worry about. It just really bothers me. Like, who the hell "likes" when someone is at McDonalds? A fucking moron, that's who. Anyhow, do you think she's flirting, or am I just being overly sensitive and crazy?




Dr. J:  Hey Anonymous. I think you're being a little too sensitive.  Chances are pretty good that your boyfriend has slept with everyone you know and everyone your friends know and everyone your friend's friends know on facebook, so why raise a stink over a few 'Likes"?  Here's what you do.  Hack into his profile and start posting things like, "I am terminally ill", "I want to kill myself", or "Katrina was my favorite hurricane", and see if she continues to hit "Like".  If no, you having nothing to worry about.  If yes, you have a werewolf on your hands.  The only way to kill werewolves, is to stab them through the heart with garlic.