It’s a whole new kind of shark week, y'all. The Iowa State Fair kicked off Thursday and presidential hopefuls from all across this subpar nation are crawling into the hot sun to stand on the soapbox and win over crowds. Fourteen republican candidates and three democratic candidates are scheduled to speak and a few more, Hillary Clinton included, won’t be standing on the soapbox but will make an appearance at the fair.
Those speaking have 20 minutes to sum up their platforms and when they’re done they’ll wander the fairgrounds and enjoy what’s great about this country: food on a stick. While we haven’t quite perfected time travel, here are some statements that are very likely to come out of the mouths and very real food items from the fair that will go in the mouths of the candidates in the next few days at the fair.
— Senator Bernie Sanders while eating Corn in a Cup
“Anyone is more than welcome to interrupt me, as I am open to hearing people’s opinions, but just a warning, this stage is literally very small and it would get very crammed up here.”
— Dr. Ben Carson, enjoying a Gluten-Free Corndog
“Thank you for having me here, Iowa. I think being gay is a choice and if anyone at the fair wants to chat about that or needs emergency brain surgery, I will be in the medics tent next to the acrobatic performance.”
— Governor Scott Walker, sucking on a maple beef stick.
Good afternoon, Iowa! It’s a beautiful day out here and I hope many of you are enjoying the rides and great food. Don’t enjoy it too much though, because I’ll be sure to cut funding for anything you hold dear to your hearts and relocate that money to fund a sports stadium.
— Former CEO of Hewlett-Packard Carly Fiorina, trying to figure out how to eat salad on a stick
I bet none of you thought you’d see me here today! Well I am here and I am successfully reminding you that there is a thriving population of women who are against funding women’s health organizations like Planned Parenthood. And in case you forget I’m running, I’ll just keep saying more drastic things like that I would literally shut down the US government to defund Planned Parenthood.
— Senator Lindsey Graham, buying audience members any kind of food they want
Hi there folks, it’s me Lindsey Graham. I guess the one good thing about Donald Trump releasing my phone number is that one of you all remembered who I was, called me and invited me here, which, by golly, just means the world. I was so afraid that was my fifteen minutes of fame and that I’d just be a flash in the pan. If anyone of you does want to give me a ring, I’d honestly just appreciate the opportunity to chat with someone.
— Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, drinking hot apple cider
“Hello Iowans! What a kind and approachable gesture for you to invite me to your annual state fair, filled with activities and things to do. I am delighted to be here.There are no state fairs on Jupiter, which isn’t where I am from because I am not an alien in a skirt suit. That was just an observation. Say hi to me by the livestock parade, I’ll be there inspecting what cows look like.”
— Business man, and GOP frontrunner Donald Trump, his mouth full of something called "Tater-Dog on a stick"
“I will not be standing on the soapbox this week and anyone who does is a total loser. I also want to announce that I have a launched a full scale investigation as to how someone has bundled my hair and placed it around the fair. No, I have never heard of barrels of hay, you loser. I also feel like everyone here is poor.”
— Governor Chris Christie, eyeing an Ultimate Bacon Brisket Bomb
“What a beautiful day to be in the great state of Iowa. I am thrilled and cannot wait to check out the sights. I do ask that for political reasons no one hug me or show any affection in my vicinity.”
— Governor Bobby Jindal, patriotically eating apple pie on a stick
“It feels great to be at the Iowa State Fair, on the land my father, his father, and his father before that all were born in and enjoyed. I thank white Jesus every day that I wasn’t aborted and have this opportunity to be here with you all.”