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Published March 30, 2011

Artist of the Week

Jeff Gutowski

  Brooklyn Artist of the Week, Jeff Gutowski, actually resides in Astoria, Queens which is basically becoming Williamsburg so get off my fucking back.  I'm trying my hardest.  Mr. Gutowski is best know for his film making prowess, but to classify him only as a master behind the camera would be a major injustice to the multi-faceted artist.  He is an auteur, a creator, an innovator, a thespian, a mathematician, a scoundrel, a socialite and a sexual powerhouse.

  On any night of the week you can catch Gutowoski sashaying down the streets of lower Manhattan with a flock of she-males, supermodels, drag queens, and the whose who of the underground skeevy orgy art party scene.  Perhaps it was best summed up by Vogue writer Sherlock LeBon, "Gutowski is like Warhol, but he has better parties with better coke and he likes pussy.  Lots and lots of pussy."  

  Gutowski is the foremost jet-setter in the world. Last year he spent an entire 4 months in the air with constant mid-air refueling of gasoline, cocaine, supermodels and Dom Perignon.  Next year in conjunction with NASA, he plans on throwing "The Greatest Party in the Universe: No Ass is Safe Anymore" while orbiting the Earth in a glass bottom shuttle.  

  This is not to say he didn't have it tough growing up.  He was abandoned as an infant and raised by a schizophrenic "Sheep Herder" that lived underneath the Pulaski Skyway.  His father, Pappy "Shitbritches" Gutowski, taught young Jeffrey how to paint, draw, build newspaper houses, talk to the wind and make the same garbage bag boots that he would later use as the centerpiece of his short film, "My pappy Pappy and his plastic boots."

  By the time young Mr. Gutowski reached adulthood he had already seen much of what this cruel, hopeless world had to offer.  His first major work of note, "I have already seen much of what this cruel, hopeless world has to offer," debuted at the Metropolitan Museum of Art to an audience of movie stars, saints, angels, and per Gutowski's request, bums that smelled like blue cheese and syphilitic prostitutes.  To this day he refuses to forget where he came from.  Under a bridge.

   His work can be seen in every major theater, museum, and opera house in the world.  He has won Oscars for Best Documentary, Best Short Film, and Best Picture.  His Best Short Film winning piece, entitled "Indian Giver", was about a man winning a Best Picture Oscar and giving the award to a homeless man, only to take it back a few minutes later, saying, "Sorry, I thought you were Martin Scorcese.  Here's a donut (handing the man a donut made out of rolled up napkins)." 

   Mr. Gutowski currently lives in his cozy Astoria mansion designed to replicate the underbelly of the Pulaski Skyway.  He lives with several schizophrenic "Presidents", "Astronauts", and "Superheroes" in a complex, intricate "Homeless Chic" cave system built out of cardboard, newspaper, gold and marble.  There is some chatter that he may be reinventing himself as 13 year old girl in his upcoming show, "Will my pussy ever stop bleeding?" at the Louvre.  If anyone can pull it off, Gutowski can.

 

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