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September 19, 2008
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Calls and Balls-Week 3 NFL

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com

 

I went 7-6-1 last weekend. I wimped out picking the Raiders, which may well be the only game they win this year. Does not say much for Kamas City. Oh, wait, we get to play them again! 2 wins! Shit, I’d rather have the 1st draft pick. We’ll probably lose that game anyway.

I got to spend an entirely glorious day Sunday watching the network games in Wellfleet Ma, chowing down on steamers and dogs. Actually tried some venison. Not great, not horrible. There were 20 or so folks gathered- all Patriot fans. They hunt the deer and bring it over. Dig the clams, bring ‘em over. Cooler with more Bud and Bud Light than in St. Louis. They all wanted to know why I was hesitant with the deer. I said I have bad memories of it, like one time when someone put horse meat over on me. Tastes grainy. And, yeah, the Bambi factor.

After they broke my balls for a ½ hour, I caved. I wouldn’t dive for it at a buffet but I’d eat it again if hungry.

I was watching the Indy/Minn game. When I saw Peyton Manning throw 5 of the worse passes that he’s ever thrown- all in a row. I said ‘something is wrong with him’. His o line does not protect like they have in the past. Even Marvin Harrison looks shaky. But then they start to come back, courtesy of a young choking QB in Minn. At 15-15, the crew is worried about OT and a delayed televised start of the NE/Jet game. I told them, no worries. Indy will get a FG near the end, win and cover. Damn I’m good.

I stopped watching the Jet game in the 3rd q because I knew that game was over too. I like to socialize when I know games are not in doubt. I would think that an attractive trait to you females who want to ‘get down’ on a Sunday before 7:30 PM EST. Just leave ESPN’s Countdown on as white noise. Pretend it’s Cinemax soft porn.

Oops, forgot you’re out shopping and have no clue what the status of the game is. Where the fuck is that Jenna Jamison DVD??

 

I had a bet with SillyBitch that Carolina would beat Chicago. I meant it with the spread. It was a push at 20-17, so the ‘you sucks’ we had promised to post on ourselves will have to wait. I couldn’t get Laurie to bet as I’m not Jewish nor named Ethan.

And Matt- SF was shocking.

I felt bad for Funnybone’s Eagles. I got it right by their covering the 7- but to lose because rookie DeSean Jackson drops the ball before he scores is mind numbing. The announcers said he’s had brain farts like this before. Jackson would be selling crack if he couldn’t run- and losing money at it. How do these fucking idiot ego trips get through college anyway?

20080918_dn_g1eagn18s.jpgWhere's the motherfucking goal line? Yo! There's a sexy beeettcchhh! Want some of this? Wait- where's the ball??

FB- why does Andy Reid put up with it? His kids are drug addicts. Maybe Andy is why the Eagles have come close, but no cigar.

And then we have poor San Diego, who lost a game because the ref blew a whistle on what was a fumble. If they’d played defense at any point during the game, they wouldn’t have been in that position. They were so bad defensively, Denver went for 2 points on a conversion to win instead of tie. THAT took balls. Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden should make Al Davis seethe in his own foaming mouth. They are brilliant. I have a win and a 32 year old guy Davis is threatening to fire any day.

So- here’s 3-

 

Sunday, Sep. 21

 

ATLANTA    Who cares? Who’s watching this?? I’m ashamed to waste time highlighting this game

Kansas City

 

 

BUFFALO              If the Raiders keep this close, I will blow Hilary Clinton. No condom- swallow too.

9

Oakland

 

 

TENNESSEE               Am I missing something? Tenns good, Texans ain’t 31-14 easy.

Houston

 

 

N.Y. GIANTS                  I can see the Giants losing this

13

Cincinnati

 

 

WASHINGTON               Not betting the ranch

3

Arizona

 

 

NEW ENGLAND This’d be 23 with Brady. Still not convinced Pats can score that much. Miami does suck, though.

13

Miami

 

 

CHICAGO    Coin toss here, but I’ll make silly and Laurie happy for now. Remember, Gruden pulls rabbits out of hats. Mean ones like Monty Python.

3

Tampa Bay

 

 

MINNESOTA              They’re not good, but due.

3

Carolina

 

 

SEATTLE   is pissed- and St Louis is the toilet. 41-10

9

St Louis

 

 

SAN FRANCISCO      Only because they’re home Matt. Another sucky contest of sheer ineptitude

Detroit

 

 

DENVER                    They cover- may even win after Denver’s robbery v SD

5

New Orleans

 

 

PHILADELPHIA             Not crazy about this game for PA bragging rights.

3

Pittsburgh

 

 

INDIANAPOLIS               I’m not liking what Peyton is showing. And it ain’t his dick.

6

Jacksonville

 

 

BALTIMORE      No points, no joy, no watch. Balt 3-2. Sexy time, as Borat would say. Ladies, start your engines.

2

Cleveland

 

 

Dallas       I hate fucking Dallas- GB’s better than I thought, GB 20-17

3

GREEN BAY

 

 

 

NFL

 

Monday, Sep. 22

 

SAN DIEGO They are pissed and Jets happen to be there. 49-13.

N.Y. Jets

 

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