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February 06, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

A Justice Department memo describes how the U.S. can legally kill an American citizen without trial if they are considered senior al-Qaeda leaders or in an "associated group." Papa Roach now really regretting the time they opened for Khalid Sheikh Mohammed at Ozzfest.

The memo even says Americans can be killed despite not having an “active plot” to attack the United States. "Aww maaaan," said terrorists living at their parents' house.

A propaganda video from North Korea features the song "We Are the World" and footage of New York City being destroyed from the videogame "Call of Duty." Already North Koreans are saying how much they want to play Xbox with Michael Jackson.

Chris Brown may have faked completing his court-ordered community service. Really? Because he seems like he learned his lesson.

A new book featuring the character Bridget Jones is set to come out this November. To afford the book, fans are already tightening their belts then eating cake then loosening their belts then having a good laugh.

President Obama is pushing for a short-term budget deal to avert automatic spending cuts. That's assuming Congress is willing to compromise on a deal that will allow them to push off compromising on a better deal.

The singer behind the song "Wild Thing" passed away this week. Doctors aren't sure what the cause was, but it may have had something to do with his heart singing.

In Britain, the House of Commons voted to legalize gay marriage. Likewise, nachos where the chips are all Doritos were approved by the House of NomNomNoms.

Ted Nugent told CNN's Piers Morgan to leave gun owners alone. Otherwise he should be prepared to defend himself against a reasonable and logical argument.

At a Los Angeles high school, two students lost several fingers while playing a game of tug-of-war. Oh, is that what they're calling it these days?

Dolce & Gabbana is launching a perfume for babies. The bottle is designed to perfectly fit inside an underpaid immigrant's hand.