Celebrities See All

Close

Quick Links

or
113 Funny Votes
21 Die Votes
5,074 Views
Published August 13, 2012
We won't have new episodes of Game of Thrones for awhile, but don't worry! There is another show full of deception, murder, and incest that can tide you over until then, and that show is Bachelor Pad!
 
"This game is all about influence, perception, and flat-out lying." - Ed, of Season Jillian.
 

ED as ROBERT BARATHEON

 
 
Like the fallen King of Westoros, Ed is past his prime. Despite his gregariousness and being the life of the party, Ed's constant abuse of his liver has left him a bloated, unathetlic lump of boners. Ed's muscles are so atrophied that he spends all of his time in the pool, weightlessly suspended in a boozey abyss, waiting for the next woman he can carry back to his bed like a caveman and bellow his mating call of  "AY YI YI YI YI!" as she does something under the covers. (Since ABC is a wholesome family network, they leave it up to our imaginations what a slurring blonde is doing to what Ed refers to as his "pickle" under the covers. Thank you, ABC. And thank you, too, FCC, for being the best.)
 
Also, just look at Ed presiding over his Hot Tub Throne Room:
 
 
(Also it is not entirely inconceivable that as a 32-year-old businessman in the year 2012, Ed would get so drunk in the woods that he would get gored by a wild boar.)
 

CHRIS as JOFFREY

 
 
Much like King Joffrey, Chris is a nightmare garbage person. Chris thinks he wields a lot of power, but really he just lucked his way into a power alliance that coddles his childish temperament and indulges his petulant ego. The two also share the same muscle tone and strength, despite Chris being twice Joffrey's age. Much like his Game of Thrones counterpart, Chris also has a meek maiden to emotionally abuse for fun!!!!
 

JAMIE as SANSA

           
 
Two weepy girls with the emotional fortitude of a teenager! Like Sansa, Jamie's life is terrible. She is in love with a monster, and, unlike Sansa, doesn't even have the benefit of the monster of her affection beheading her own father to open her eyes to the fact that her betrothed is a nightmare garbage person. Chris makes out with Jamie on a semi-regular basis despite having no interest in her. He then made out with her bunkmate, in the lower bunk of Jamie's bed, where he knew she would see, and the emotional scarring of that experience is probably as bad IF NOT WORSE than being forced to stare at your father's head on a spike.

 

DAVID as JON SNOW

         
 
David is a fan, meaning he doesn't really have a right to claim the Iron Throne of $250,000. Besides the fact that David is desperate to prove that he is more than a bastard fan, he and Jon Snow also share an almost criminally awkward way with women, and weepy eyes. I also bet you could get David to wander aimlessly in the wilderness for a full season if you told him it would make you like him.
 

MICHAEL as TYRION

                   
 
Michael fancies himself a seasoned Bachelor Pad professional, as he won the show last season. Like Tyrion, he is very good with schemes. Unlike Tyrion, he is the absolute WOOOOOOOOOOORST. Michael is in charge of Bachelor Pad's power alliance, making sure that all the pieces fall into place while keeping his hands relatively clean and free to roam over the blouses of several women with low self-esteem. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to Michael, he will probably be screwed over when Kalon realizes his full potential.
 

KALON as TYWIN LANNISTER

         
 
Just a ruthless power player! It's really Kalon who's calling all the shots, as he is successfully playing both alliances and usually winds up the deciding vote of who has to leave Bachelor Pad and cross the Iron Sea to the Best Western by LAX. Tywin and Kalon are both dastardly geniuses, and yet, they both have a soft spot for their cup bearers. (Kalon showed up to The Bachelorette in a helicopter, so nothing is off the douchetable for this guy, including slaves.)
 

BLAKELEY as THE FIRE PRIESTESS

 
 
Both are super weird and the last person you want at the party. Blakeley has probably said before in her life "I'm so mad I just want to give birth to a friggin' shadow assassin right now!" and everyone around her was just like "....sure." Also both are the kind of girl that you get involved with becuase they're sort of interesting and the sex might be good in a crazy sort of way, but then you realize that they are a little TOO "interesting" and they just murdered your little brother all to win a game and maybe that was a little too far and you should just go get a job, Blakeley? Because these reality shows seem to be driving you Fire Priestessly insane?
 

ERICA as THEON GREYJOY

    
 
Both are always doing something sort of gross, like masturbating their sister on horesback or eating dry cake mix out of a box. Also Erica will throw her useless weight behind whatever alliance makes her feel the most special and can protect her the best. She is also Most Likely to Stage a Coup that Everyone Forgets to Attend.
 

REID as THE WORST LITTLEFINGER EVER

      
 
Reid's an idiot, but nobody told him. Which is mean. Someone should tell Reid, you guys. If you're friends with Reid, maybe give him a call? Anyway, Reid fancied himself a real schemer, and he orchestrated a whole plan to eliminate King Ed while still sitting at Ed's Council of Hot Tub. That sneaky sleuth! Except he was so bad at it that everyone found out what he was doing and voted him off bye Reid!
 

JACLYN as CERSEI

 
 
Both women always seem to be smelling a fart. STOP farting in their faces, you guys. It's unfair because it makes THEM look unpleasant but it's YOUR fart.
 

LINDZI as DAENERYS TARGARYEN

 
 
 
Lindzi is obsessed with horses. We know this because when she was on The Bachelor, it was all she talked about and when Bachelor Ben visited her home, there were no less than eight horses running around. So, by default, Lindzi becomes Daenerys because she is the only person on Bachelor Pad who has eaten a horse heart, because she thought it would be the final boost she needed to fully transform into a horse and leave this pointless human life behind. Also like Daenarys, she hasn't done much this season.
 

NOBODY as ARYA

 
 

 

Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web

More