In Defense of the Man Ban
An Urgent Directive for America during a decisive political climate
Women have countless possibilities upon their heads.
They can wear it up, across, down, curly, back, up down, sideways, other sideways, behind, blown out, straight, bobbed like Peter Pan, in a rockstar updo like PINK, or a sick weave. Other women in the southern United States enjoy helmet hair that poofs up towards the back of their heads and resembles a tumor. Studies show that spending too much time in places like North Carolina causes this haircut to happen genetically.
Men on the other hand enjoy no such luxury. Barber shops are a boring assembly line with one single uninspiring choice.
“Not too short.“
Upon visiting the weed whacker (affectionate Georgian term for barber,) men have just four options.
1. The Crew cut - Kill me now. Or have the enemy do it.
2. The Surfer cut - Not cool in the 90’s. Not cool now.
3. The Mick Jagger - Sort of an upperclass mullet. Only works for rockstars and carnival workers.
4. The Steven Seagal - Dangerous because high concentrations of grease are flammable.
(Bald guys were purposefully omitted because a lack of hair is not a styling choice, it’s an unfortunate genetic limitation.)
In the past decade, after years of intense research, scrutiny, and development, men have put their minds together and come up with a brand new look. The man bun is the most important achievement men have come up with since our idea for permanent name tags on blue collar onesies, or belts made of cow leather to hold our tools. The man buns is an incredibly versatile and stylish hairstyle appropriate for all occasions and body types. A tight man bun can look exceptionally formal at a black tie affair, or super casual during a walk in the park with a fro yo in the summertime. A man bun says, I’m a guy who doesn’t take life too seriously, but at least I made an effort.
The Man bun represents freedom. It sends all sorts of subliminal messages such as:
“Hey boss, I might work here sometimes, but you don’t own me.”
“I went stand-up paddle boarding once.”
“I own at least one gently used yoga mat.”
“I spend money wisely.” (Haircuts every 4-6 weeks are a waste of time and money.)
“I support equal rights because from behind, my girlfriend and I look like the same person.”
Now is the time for America to evolve into a modern society and accept the man bun as a respectable trend. Historically, species that don’t evolve quickly enough go extinct. It’s therefore imperative that we accept the hair biscuit (alternate term for man bun), as a tolerable noggin topper. The stakes are high, and the male race depends upon your support.
Furthermore, beards have enjoyed a major comeback in recent years. One no longer has to drive a train or wear a jolly red suit to look cool with a a bright bushy beard. Beards have been scientifically proven to gain weight the longer they reside upon a fellows face.
Over the long term, this causes a drooping of the shoulders, bad posture, and rising healthcare costs for American families. A heavy stylish beard leaves a man severely unbalanced. Dude Doughnuts (An uncommon colloquialism for man bun) offer the perfect solution by offering a counterweight to the beard and protecting unfortunate bald people from bald cancer, an additional factor in rising healthcare costs for American families. Lets stop burdening the beard community and the American healthcare system with Man Bun Intolerance. Widespread ccceptance of the man bun is also a surefire way to protect American jobs. This is particularly true in the following profession where a man bun with a beard is part of the uniform.
White water rafting guides
That film guy from college
Homeless people (Also known as occupy Wall Street)
Trendy coffee shop baristas
Employees at REI
Mixologists called Oliver
Muffin Manes, (Unpopular term for the Man Bun) are incredibly versatile in the workplace. Mechanics love em because they create a natural pillow against the hard concrete whilst twerking a wrench or futzing with the alternator. Bakers love em since a tight bun fits nicely into a chefs hat, and keeps it from collapsing.
Police officers have very difficult jobs in this country. To alleviate the stress of the job they eat doughnuts to make them happy. A well tied Man bun looks a lot like a doughnut. We can therefore conclude that Man Buns make people happy.
Man buns are great on a jungle safari should you find yourself stuck in a tree with ravenous lions circling below. Your true love, who has scurried up the tree with you, can grip onto your conveniently placed man bun as you Tarzan her to safety on a jungle vine. Men in crew cuts never leave the jungle alive. Remember Vietnam?
Papa Pastries (Non-Existent phrase for Man Buns worn by older men) are perfect for weddings since they illustrate the natural progression of man throughout the ceremony. In the morning before the ceremony, men are buttoned up nicely with a man bun so tight it could stop a bullet. After the photos, ceremony, dancing, drinking, greeting, and marriage vows, the bun slowly begins to slump, along with the fellows hopes and dreams. Finally, towards the end of the evening, the bun unravels completely, just like the the future at the realization that he’s locked into a life long commitment with someone who will forever call the shots in his life.
Most importantly, the Man Bun is sexy. Men who lack confidence for being short, fat, unmotivated, or have less than optimum intelligence can wear a man bun like a crown to inspire bravado. Just like peacocks or jungle birds, a plop of freshly washed strands of wonder on your head acts as human plumage to help us attract a mate. Without the man bun, America is destined to see a rise in suicides, exercise related deaths, and prostitution. Support for the man bun will help humanity propagate the species.
Finally, let us consider that only fascist societies require short tight matching haircuts. A vote for the Man Bun is a vote against Communism, international warfare, and Nazi’s. It’s time to take American back to her roots, when men had long hair and lived in caves. Short cropped haircuts are against human nature. They are against god. They are against evolution and the betterment of society for all people. Today we get to decide what kind of American we want to build for our children. Let our grandsons look back with pride that our generation stood up against oppression and demanded that a haircut typically reserved for lazy college girls and ballerinas be not only acceptable, but celebrated, so that men everywhere can truly be free.
Text your closest friend with a man bun to show them you care. The movement starts with you. #Bethebun.