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April 01, 2012

An informative piece on what college truly is, as opposed to what most believe it to be.

Partying.  Drinking.  Unprotected sex.  Selling your body for money behind Denny’s.  These are all very common events which take place on college campuses everyday.  

Those of you respectable people who attended college, or are currently attending college (not community), would probably agree that the college experience is one Hell of a time.  It’s filled with so many new, life-changing experiences.  Experiences you literally thought could only occur in a dream or some sort of drug-related trip.  For example, I saw a pair of boobies one time thus-far during my college experience.  Was it magical?  Yes.  Did I get a boner?  You bet your bippy.  Did it progress into any further sexual promiscuity, or any contact whatsoever?  NO.  In fact, if it weren’t for bushes and binoculars I would not have even seen that massive pair of melons.  But that’s not the point.  The point is, some crazy stuff happens at college.  

Unfortunately, I have to let you in on some inside info:  College is not all it’s cracked up to be.  You know what all of the movies and television shows which portray college as one giant party/orgy forgot to tell you?  All of those “cool people” partying and sexing folks up on a daily basis flunked out.  People who haven’t attended college (inferior creatures) may actually believe that the media portrayal of college is, in fact, a reality.  False.  It is very rare to find a college party where misguided girls are performing oral upon one another on a coffee table.  Furthermore, every girl isn’t a busty blonde with a luscious bottom who’s constantly ready to take her shirt off and get violated.  It’s just not the reality of it.  If it was, I’d be knee deep in some broad’s gully hole instead of writing this in my room while wearing sweatpants.  

College is filled with a massive amount of responsibilities.  After all, you are expected to be working towards your future and preparing for real life during this time.  If you want to sniff glue and play Yahtzee with your loser friends in a garage then you should go to community college.  That’s what it was made for.  Regular universities require an unbelievable amount of work and dedication.  One cannot be fully dedicated while getting plastered every night.  Try waking up in a puddle of urine and vomit next to a Haitian transvestite and still being able to make it to an 8:30 a.m class.  It can’t be done.  Mostly because 8:30 is prime time for a Haitian transvestite’s freaky sex drive.  But also because it is simply illogical.  Bottom line is:  The American Pie Series and all of those other outlandish films lied to us.  College is not one giant party.  It is a series of depressing and awkward situations with a few mediocre parties thrown in there.  

Of course, I am in no way saying that college isn’t fun.  A large amount of peoples’ fondest memories in life are created during the years of their higher education.  Many ladies finally decide to let their virginity be taken by some hairy dude in a storage closet.  It’s pretty awesome.  Also, we learn so much about ourselves throughout these years.  It is a time of gradual maturing towards adulthood.  We are meant to work towards our future and carry on our passion.  Sounds like a giant load of boring shit to me.  (Giant load, haha)  You go into the college experience thinking that you’re just going to get hammered and touch naked people all the time.  In actuality, you’re studying, feeling awkward, stressing, breaking out, getting fat, pooping a lot, and dreading the future.  College in a nutshell.  Literally.  And I don’t know about you, but nutshells make me really uncomfortable.  I most certainly don’t want to be a part of anything that involves nutshells.  Screw you, college.  You’ve done nothing but disappoint me and help me acquire several UTI’s.  

Mike Gursky, @gurskyman