Full Credits

Stats & Data

December 16, 2010

Whooooa boy. Ain’t many times I act like a GENIUS. But just like my friend Dirty Kurty says before fillin’ the commode with yesterday’s triple burrito dinner, “I feeeeeel a BIG one comin' on!”

I gotta way to lower health care costs, promote early checkups and take full advantage of those new  backscatter airport scanners.  And with the Holiday travel rush upon us, ain’t no time like the present to get started.   

HERE'S THE DEAL, staff the backscatter scanner units with DOCTORS!!!  Yep, professionals that can make on-the-spot diagnoses.  Picture it:

“By the way sir, we’ve verified there’s no contraband in your colon, HOWEVER, Dr. Lou Stool, our gastroenterologist see’s a few polyps in your sigmoid area.  Could ya please step over here for a quick colonoscopy?  Don’t worry that you haven’t fasted, the Taco Bell you had in the food court would have cleaned ya out better than a molasses enema.”


“You are good to go, ma’am.  Please step to the end of the line and put your shoes and socks back on.  By the way, ya might wanna consider cycling to your destination today instead of flying ‘cause you’re WAY over weight and, Dr. A. Fib, the cardiologist working our scanner, actually saw clumps of Big Macs floating in your right coronary artery.  Besides, at your size, you were gonna have to check your ass as extra baggage anyway.” 

Maybe we could even claim frequent flyer miles for things like heart catheterizations and bags of IV fluid instead of comp drinks? Or for the "Custom Fit Emergency Mask" or maybe an inflight urinary catheter for the old guy in the window seat that gets up to pee every 20 minutes? Why not?  Those miles CERTAINLY aren’t good for flying anywhere!!

So there’s this odd Little Johnny joke about flying.

Little Johnny and his mother were flying USAirways from Los Angeles to New York.

Little Johnny, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

His mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told Little Johnny to ask the flight attendant.

So Little Johnny asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, WHY DON’T big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant said, "Because US Airways ALWAYS pulls out on time."

First, US Airways might be the SUCKIEST airline with their hospitality second only to Air Al Qaeda.  Even if YOU pull out on time, yer bags might not.  You and yer bags will most likely be separated further than Paris Hilton’s ankles on a Friday night. 

Second, I was tryin’ to think, in this joke, “What in the SOAPWORD would have been my reason to go from dogs and cats having babies to inanimate objects like planes having babies?”  Then I remembered why I might have thought planes could have babies - my grandfather lived near the airport and he didn’t have cable.  His TV had those old fashioned rabbit ear antennas.  And every time a plane would fly over his house he’d yell, “Those F@#K-ing PLANES!!!”

By the way, if this airport scanner healthcare thing does go through, I see the following being some ORBITZ TRAVEL SPECIAL ideas:

  •   Asthmatics to Athens
  •   Prostate Checks on flights to the Finger Lakes
  •   Kidney Function Tests on European flights (Get it? You’re a pee-in’)
  •   Gynecological checkups on all flights over the Grand Canyon

Got any others?