exercise2.jpg

via


Hey ya’ll, my name is Glenn and I’m the Director of the HEAT Dancers, the official dance team for the Miami Heat, and boy has it been an interesting week for me! Last week we held public open auditions to become a HEAT dancer and video of one of the auditioners going in during a free dance to Beyonce’s “Run the World (Girls)” song has gone viral.

Sadly, this auditioner, Keith Wilson, didn’t make the final cut. I know what a lot of you are saying: “Glenn honey, look at that those moves! How could you not pick this person to be a HEAT Dancer?!” Well, that’s what I came here to explain, my dears.

Let me start by saying that Keith being a man has NOTHING to do with him not making the HEAT Dancers. I have been in this business for 22 years and when I watch a basketball team’s dance team, all I see is choreography, grace, and spirit. And what their boobs and can look like.

I don’t see gender, I don’t see race, I don’t see age. I see how well they dance and whether or not they are all hot babes.

Listen, Keith is a good dancer, he has some great moves. No argument there. I especially like the one where he flings his arm behind his body all of a sudden at :14 into the video. But the fact is, there are loads of good dancers in Miami. To get to the next level, you have to be what I call a “good dancer PLUS.” I’m talking all the right moves PLUS spirit. PLUS a winning smile. PLUS powerful feminine hips and juicy buttocks.

It has nothing to do with what the dancer has underneath their clothes, it just has to do with ATTITUDE and being able to fit into outfits that hug that 36-24-36 shape that all HEAT Dancers are required to have.

For the sake of complete transparency and to prove to you naysayers that I didn’t cut Keith because he is a man, here’s a look at my official HEAT Dancer checklist for Keith. I fill out one of these for every tryout participant:

Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 6.jpg.jpg

Close, but as you can see there is a big, red “DENIED” stamp right across his scoresheet.

Another thing that’s important to note, and we get so wrapped up in the dancing that we forget this sometimes, is the HEAT Dancers exist for one reason: the fans. When I’m choosing my team before every Miami Heat season, I have one thing in mind: what does the typical Miami Heat fan want to see in their hometown dance team? No better way to answer that question than to ask a few typical Heat fans.


miami-heat-fan.jpg

“I wanna see some fuckin’ T&A: Technically-sound Arabesques”


13-reasons-why-the-miami-heat-have-the-best-fans-in-the-nba-600x313.jpg

“Whenever we watch the HEAT Dancers we’re slobbering and cat-calling and barking like dirty dawgs….at those smooth eight to one transitions!”


justin-bieber-heat-pacers-game-7-4.jpg

“I actually come to the games just for the basketball, something I know a lot about and enjoy a great deal which is why I’m a die-hard Heat fan.”


So there you have it, neither I nor the fans care about the gender of our dancers so I’d appreciate it if you all would stop badgering me to let Keith onto the team. I’ve personally encouraged him to try again next year or as soon as he can become a hot looking woman.

Advertisement
Advertisement