Published April 15, 2012 More Info »
15 Funny Votes
4 Die Votes
Published April 15, 2012


Are you looking for a windowless utility van that is equipped with bungee cords and isn't at all creepy?  This is exactly what Pete's Rape Van Emporium provides.  Hi, I'm Pete and let me be the first to say Rape Van is merely ughh, a metaphor or cliche, I don't know I'm not educated, point being it's a damn sweet conveyance (ironically I know that word).  Yes, with your very own rape van you'll get all the attention from the neighborhood, which is why you're going to want to park it under an overpass at night.  People will say things like, "seriously why is that van slowly circling the block" and "why does my son cry everytime he sees a Starburst wrapper?"
Godammit people!  This is a free country, owning a so called 'rape van' does not intrisically make you guilty of commiting rape or even thinking about supple young boy flesh.  Hell luring children into the van isn't even necessarily illegal under the right circumstances, nor immoral under extreme circumstances.  Now take a look at this beauty.  This chariot makes a statement.  Not a statement you would want on record, but certainly one that takes machismo to even admit to yourself you've ever had. 
For only 65 moderately uncomfortable payments of $49.99 you could own this love shack shown to the right.  This beast comes with all the latest features including doors that lock from the outside and genuine AC delco speakers to pump up the volume of that newest Miley Cyrus jam you're so fond of.  Act now and I'll throw in a bag of assorted candy and a stack of 'lost puppy' flyers.
Remember, my name is Pete and what happens in your Chevy stays in your Chevy so long as everyone sticks to the plan and KEEPS THEIR GOD DAMN MOUTH SHUT!
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