My name is Moby. Yeah, Yeah I know that’s a whale’s name. But guess what, Moby is also a singer and nobody ever asks me if I’m a singer when I say my name is Moby. FYI, I do sing. Mostly Fleetwood Mac covers. I take the high harmony. No matter, I’m a shark and my name is Moby.
I am writing because there have been several shark attacks off the coast of the Carolinas in the last few weeks. There are a lot of theories floating around about why this is happening. Why are the sharks biting people? Why so many at the same time? Are they mistaking people for food? Are these accidental? Is this some clever viral marketing for Shark Week?
Sharks are biting people because we are PISSED OFF! You guys have been shitting in our ocean and we have had enough. And I mean LITERALLY shitting. I’m talking about sewage running through your poorly made piping systems and ending up all over my neighborhood. AND I’m also talking about your not-so-funny Uncle Randy who thinks it’s a riot to pull his pants down and drop a deuce beyond the sandbar. Shit still smells underwater, Randy!
And how about trash island? Ever heard of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch? Eight miles of your nasty trash clinging together in a vortex of neglect? Yeah. Try swimming from Japan to North America and not getting your ass caught on a soda can. That used to be a beautiful, scenic swim, but now? A big reminder that humans don’t give a fin about what’s going on in the sea.
Remember that oil spill that made a big mess and slicked up all those birds? No? Well, you should because there are over a hundred of them every year! Your cable news shows don’t tell you about those. You know what else doesn’t happen? Nobody sails out to the cold deep parts of the big sea to wipe my fins clean! You just drill, baby drill and ask questions later. I have a question - What the fuck?!
So yeah, we’ve been biting you. And we’re gonna keep biting you until you stop fucking with our water. We are cool with surfers, snorkelers, and swimmers (not paddle boarders though - what is that shit?) but we are not cool with how you treat our house. THE OCEAN IS OUR HOUSE. So stop fucking with us, and we’ll stop fucking with you.
PS. Shark Week RULES!