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33Funny
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January 27, 2015
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The Patriots are to blame for DeflateGate. How do I know? I found air in the dumpsters behind Gillette. And, like, a lot of it.

The NFL has apparently uncovered surveillance footage of a locker-room attendant who may be at fault in DeflateGate. The footage shows the attendant taking the footballs from the official’s locker room to a different room before bringing them out to the field. Investigators are currently trying to determine whether this person was involved in any wrongdoing.

He was. And I can prove it. Who am I? Just an average football fan. A fan that wants the truth.

This weekend, while doing a little investigating of my own, I searched the dumpsters behind Gillette Stadium in search of evidence, and I found, to my great surprise, that the dumpsters were full of air. And not just a little air. Like, a lot of air. Now there is currently no proof that links this air to the air that was missing from the footballs used in the AFC Championship Game, but doesn’t it just seem a little too convenient?

I know many Pats fans have chosen to be willfully ignorant about their involvement with DeflateGate. But hopefully this photo is all the proof you need to see the truth. This is air that I took directly from the dumpster directly behind Gillette Stadium.

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You cannot deny this air was found in the dumpster. And this left me unsettled. If air was just in the dumpster behind the stadium, it must go all the way to the top. I decided to infiltrate the Patriot’s office.

During my search I found air in several dumpsters surrounding the premises. I also found air in literally every garbage can, including those of Coach Belichick and Quarterback Tom Brady, in whose garbage can the air was hidden beneath some used condoms and some unused Magnum condoms. I have since determined that Tom was trying to impress someone at some point, but then got more realistic.

To find so much air tells me that this is a cultural problem within the Patriots office. It is also an insult to the NFL: to so carelessly throw away air, as if no one would search the dumpsters for it. The people who work at the National Football League are not idiots. They’re smart. They’d look for air in the dumpsters. Sloppy move, Patriots.

But I wanted my case to be airtight (pun very much intended). I quickly ran through the questions regarding this case:

Could this be a third party’s air?
I do not think so. Air is hard to transport.

Do I think the Patriots were framed?
No I do not. I asked several security guards at Gillette Stadium and they did not remember anyone entering or leaving the stadium with Ziploc bags full of air before I arrived. They had questions for me but I chose not to answer.

Is this a league wide issue?
No. Upon investigation all of the Colts’ garbage cans were vacuum sealed.

The Patriots are clearly at fault in this scandal. The air proves it, and I fully authorize Roger Goodell to use this testimonial as evidence against them. After I went though all of this my only advice to the NFL: all garbage cans should be subject to routine air checks. And if they contain Adderall that should also count, I guess.

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