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Published September 28, 2012 More Info »
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Published September 28, 2012

Men are constantly and unjustly accusing women of being crazy. I mean is it really crazy that I know when my husband’s eaten in my car, even though I’ve repeatedly asked him not to, because I check the steering wheel for greasy finger prints after he drives it—or is it an eye for detail?

Is it crazy that I called him 15 times on his way home from work because I didn’t know his ringer was off and I assumed he got kidnapped by a drug lord who mistook him for an undercover cop—or am I just open to all possibilities?
 
Sure, I wake up in the middle of the night and press my face against his chest to check that he’s still breathing—but that’s just natural. He has asthma.
 
My husband may think I’m crazy but by marrying me he bought a ticket to the funny farm. But for the single ladies this label is the kiss of death. I mean one little innocent question like, “Do you think your ex-girlfriend is prettier than me?” and most dudes mentally send you straight to the loony bin. And guys talk. They’re a bunch of gossipy women. So what if you found out about his ex by reading all his old emails when he left his account open on his computer that was put away in his drawer? He’s the one still using Hotmail, so who’s crazy now? Before you know it, you’re black listed just for being curious and your Friday nights are wide open.
 
You’d be surprised all the silly little things that will get you labeled “crazy”. Beware ladies.
Apparently, crying while watching The Help is okay but crying because your boyfriend didn’t think to get you anything when he ran into the gas station for a snack is somehow wrong. Men are complicated and hard to figure out.
 
Getting sad at the thought of your young, healthy cat dying of old age is normal and so is talking about it at length with your boyfriend.
 
You have to be careful though. Take it from me.
 
If you’re concerned about how men on the dating scene perceive your mental health, I have one recommendation: don’t text. They can’t tell you’re just joking when you write, “Don’t lie or I’ll fucking kill you. Did you go out last night? People saw you.” If you must text, keep all communications functional. For example, “Meet you at BW3’s at 5” is fine. A simple line, “I’m here” when you arrive is safe.  But, “Where are you? I’ve been like, just standing here by myself for the last 2 minutes” is tiptoeing in the wrong direction. And, “You can’t see me, but I’m watching you flirt with the hostess”, puts you in the straight jacket.
 
Honestly, when women do things that are actually crazy, it’s usually our friends’ fault. They’re the ones that convinced us men are just walking infidelities, right? And if he hasn’t committed after three dates, you should push for it or he’s not going to. They mean well though. Besides, they’re the only ones that will tell you the “real” truth. What may seem like a witch hunt to the untrained eye is just you and five of your closest friends having mimosas and feverishly discussing why your man shouldn’t hang out with his friends anymore. You never would have realized that love means doing everything together if it weren’t for your besties.
 
I’ve also learned over the years to never take anything at face value. If your man is clearly cheating on you, don’t break-up with him, investigate first. Scooby Doo solves mysteries and so can you. The first step is to start following him; check his phone when he leaves the room; chase off other women who leave comments on his Facebook page. And finally and most importantly, try to sleep with one of his friends. If they know your man still loves you, they won’t do it.
 
Sure you could have just asked your boyfriend about your relationship, but you don’t want to be called crazy, right?
 
Sincerely,
Bitch

 

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