JOSHUA’S REVIEW OF TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
Soooooooooooooooo I saw the new TMNT movie. After it was over I felt numb and sick. I heard that happened to rape victims. It looks like someone watched the first TMNT movie was like “Pretty cool. Now lets update it but in this one lets have no plot but instead lets throw in a lot of loud noises!” Also I was so sick of seeing Pizza Hut during the movie. It kind of made me root for The Foot Clan. I just wanted a ok movie but what we got was a shit Alvin and The Chipmunks action movie.
So the movie starts with April O'Neil and Vernon who is played by Will Arnett who looks like he was pissed to be in this movie. They should have gotten some in the closet gay dude to play him. Much like he acted on the cartoon. Vernon shouldn’t be trying to bang April even if she looks like a porn parody of a hooker. April is trying to break a big story open so she can do some “real” news vs doing fluff stories. So she tracks down the Foot Clan doing something at some ship yard. Why does so many bad things happen at ship yards during action movies. They seem like the most dangerous place on the earth. Maybe the police should look into that.
So the during the great robbery The Turtles show up. These are not the same looking Turtles we remember and loved. These dudes look like they have been eating nothing but great tasting Pizza Hut pizza for only $7.99 all day everyday for the past 4 years. April tries to tell her boss played by Whoopi about them but Whoopi is all like “ Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit!” So April tracks down The Turtles herself. She must have used the same system people used to track down The A-Team. So then she goes back to Whoopi with proof of The Turtles this time and Whoopi says “Bogus! (*A Whoopi movie. It was pretty awful) You’re fired you god damn whore get the fuck out of The Channel 6 newsroom!!”
Meanwhile The Shredder tracks them down in their secret hideout. I think he used Google Maps or something. He kicks the shit out of Splinter. In Splinter defense Shredder looks like Robocop. The Foot takes Leo,Don and Mike while Raphael is thought to be killed off for whatever reason. It should be noted at some point during the movie it turns out The Turtles are bullet proof. Why are they bullet proof I was asking then I remember the answer was cause Michael Bay is a dickhead.
The Foot clan show their master plan to the Turtles for some reason they felt like The Turtles needed to know this information before their death.. Their plan by the way was to use a chemical attack on New York City to make millions! I don’t think they thought it all the way through. It seems to have some holes. Raphael,Vernon and the whore April shows up to save the 3 Turtles. Which leads to longest chase scene in movie history. If you’re dumb enough to go see this shit at the movies I would suggest to use this 47 minute block of “action” to go to the bathroom or catch up on some texts or maybe write a book.
They all get back to NYC have have to stop The Shredder from destroying the city. He could just move if he hates living in the city that much. The Turtles race up to the top floor for a 1 on 4 battle. After a very long and loud battle Shredder falls of the roof to his death meanwhile everyone in the theater wishing they were Shredder at this point. The End.
If there is a god there won’t be a sequel but I could use a remake made by someone who knows how to make a movie. This movie is like pasta without any sauce. Just so blah. I made the mistake of seeing Guardians of the Galaxy the week before I saw this movie. I finally understand that “Once you go black you never go back.” thing. Guardians of the Galaxy is like a huge BBC while TMNT is like a Irish dude. I give this movie 1 ½ starts. The ½ star is only there cause I got to see the sweet preview of the new live action SpongeBob SquarePants movie! But for real the next time someone thinks “Hey lets make a movie of 90’s cartoon” they should stop and then save everyone’s time by jumping in front of the nearest train
AND MAN ALIVE WHY IN THE HELL IS JUICY J ON THE TMNT SOUNDTRACK?! I know I ended my list article with a link to this sweet song but I had to do it again.
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