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February 04, 2011

5 reasons that will, unless you're from Pittsburgh, make you root for the Packers in Super Bowl XLV.


Aaron Rodgers looks like that guy from NBC's "The Office."

Right?  I can't be the only one who sees the resemblance.  Aaron Rodgers TOTALLY looks like B.J. Novak from "The Office."  And who doesn't love "The Office"!?

If you're not a football fan, but you love NBC's Thursday "Comedy Night Done Right" then just watch the Super Bowl and pretend that you're rooting for that loveable "Ryan" on America's favorite comedy.

Easy. Simple.  Rodgers looks like BJ.

And... as an added bonus, the Packers' nose-tackle, B.J. Raji sort of looks like that loveable guy from the Miller High Life commercials.

"The Office" and beer!  Yay America! Yay Packers!


The Super Bowl Trophy is named after the Packers.

Well not exactly, but close enough. Each year the Super Bowl winner receives the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Who was Vince Lombardi, you ask? Why one of the most legendary coaches in NFL history who just happened to also coach the Green Bay Packers to wins in Super Bowls I and II ( that's 1 and 2 for you non-roman numerologists). Even though Pittsburgh loves to brag about their six Lombardi trophies (cue annoying "Six-burgh" comment) and rally around their current quest for a seventh (cue annoying "stairway to seven" music), the Lombardi Trophy is essentially a Packer trophy. It's not called the "Mike Tomlin Trophy," the Rex Ryan, Belicheck, or Schottenheimer Trophy, it's the Lombardi Trophy. So come on and let the Super Bowl trophy, in the immortal words of Happy Gilmore "go home" to Green Bay.


The Packers are fighting against animal cruelty AND rape.*

Every year, there are story-lines from the NFL that are so big or controversial that they filter out into the non-football watching community.  This year, two of them were Michael Vick's resurgence after serving his prison sentence for dog-fighting, and Ben Roethlisberger's strong play after narrowly escaping a prison sentence for rape (alleged).

Guess what?  The Green Bay Packers have already vanquished one of these villains, and are trying to beat the other on Super Bowl Sunday.

We don't need to bemoan this point, but it's a fact, Michael Vick ran a business that tortured and killed dogs. Yes, he served his time, but if you are any sort of animal lover, especially dogs, it is your MORAL duty to root for the Packers.  Quarterback Aaron Rodgers and his band of noble cheese-heads were the heroes of countless dog-lovers when they stopped Michael Vick in the playoffs, and if you were rooting for the Packers then, you should be rooting for them now. 

And while Ben Roethlisberger has not been proven to be a rapist (he had all charges against him dropped and served his four game NFL suspension) there's very little doubt that he's probably done some shady, douche-y things to some undeserving young ladies.  So for the purpose of this article, let's just call him a "rapeuer" - what the hell does that mean?  Well it looks French, which makes it classy, and it's spelled differently than "rapist," but you can probably figure out what it means.

So if you root against the Packers this weekend you are, by inverse association, rooting for ANIMAL CRUELTY and RAPE.  I mean... I'm not even sure what circle of Hell is reserved for you in that case. 

*Note - This is not to say that loyal Pittsburgh fans are in favor of either - you got to root for your home team.  However, if you're on the fence... come on!


Green Bay has NOTHING besides football.

Residents of Green Bay, please excuse me, I'm sure yours is a lovely town and there's plenty to do besides go to Packers games, especially in summer when it's not 20 below. 

Green Bay is the ONLY NFL team (besides Jacksonville [it's a parenthetical because it makes the point better, shhhh]) to not have another major sporting team (MLB NBA or NHL) in it's city. They don't even have MLS or the WNBA!  The same is true for Jacksonville (guilty) BUT at least they're close to the beach, AND if you're a Floridian you have the choice of THREE NFL teams to root for.

Meanwhile Pittsburgh has TWO major sports teams to root for. And yes, the Pirates have been terrible since Barry Bonds left in 1992, but the "Steel City" is also home to the PITTSBURGH Penguins. What's that?  The same 2007-08 NHL champion Penguins?  Yup. So don't let Steeler fans sell you on the "Pittsburgh is a blue collar town that today isn't what it was back in the steel hay-day and needs it's championships so the people have something to live for" story, save that sob speech for Detroit, or Cleveland. Besides, between the Penguins and the Steelers, Pittsburgh has THREE World Championships in the last SIX years. Share the wealth boys!  It's time to give this Lombardi Trophy (see reason #1) to the Packers.

Plus, we all know how annoying fans can get when their city wins too many championships in a short time period. See Los Angeles in the 1980s and Boston circa 2000s.  Keeping a FOURTH title (and record seventh NFL one) from Pittsburgh would avoid this problem as well.


If Green Bay wins, it marks a total Brett Favre apocalypse.

OK, don't get me wrong here, I am personally a Brett Favre fan, as are many, Wisconsintes and more.

HOWEVER, I think we can all agree that this year, the final year (alleged) of Favre's career, has been a bit of a roller coaster.  First he was retired, then he wasn't, then he was snapping photos of his junk to masseuses, then he was injured, blah blah blah...

The point is that if the Green Bay Packers win, it would be the full circle, poetic ending to the Brett Favre saga.  He was the last quarterback to take them to the Super Bowl and his final game with the Packers ended with him blowing a chance to take them back to the Super Bowl. He then went to the rival Minnesota Vikings and last season blew a chance to take them to the Super Bowl, and this year he has still managed to steal the spotlight from the Packers for most of the year even though it's been maybe his worst year, statistically-speaking.

If the Packers are able to win this Super Bowl, without Favre, it finally closes that chapter in Packers lore, anoints Aaron Rodgers into the Packer Pantheon, and means that FOR SURE, 100%, Brett Favre will walk away from the game this year and leave us with no more teary-eyed press conferences, or un-retirings or Wrangler commercials.  Why? Because if you can't be the guy who is leading the championship team, be the guy who used to play for them and then tips your cap to them as you walk away into the sunset, all classy-like.

Whether you love or hate Brett Favre, you have to admit that his final NFL season ending with his old team winning the Super Bowl makes for a good story. And if for some reason he does decide to come back next year, for a record 900th season then we get another riveting storyline... REVENGE!

'nuff said!  Go Pack Go! And Pittsburgh, don't send Big Ben to have his way with me... it's just a comedic essay!!!