Justin Bieber with Rihanna - the 3 boxes he's standing on just out of shot
Hundreds of Biebettes were cast into despair amidst recent revelations that the pop behemoth is actually more of a midget.
The pint-sized singer and his team have been using a complex series of mirrors to create the illusion of height.
“Even then they only managed to make him seem 5.5 ft,” said celebrity insider, Mink Muffty. “They’ve closely monitored his TV appearances using step ladders and boxes, and at live performances people just thought he was further away than he was. Much further away. With teeny, tiny doll-like dancers behind him.”
Worse news was to come. The star, thought to be pre-pubescent, is actually 35-years-old.
“He uses the same special effects make-up team as George Lucas with the Star Wars movies. I bet you thought Anakin Skywalker was a 7-year-old. Guess again,” said Muffty.
As legions of young women tore their hair and rended their garments, the unrepentant Bieber issued a defiant statement.
“I regret nothing. In fact, I’m glad the truth is out. And ladies, I can still reach the important stuff. Come to Daddy!”
“I can’t believe I used to think that was cute,” said Muffty.