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Written by Claude DC (Donny "Cage")
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Published April 13, 2013

 

Everyone has their hobbies and we all aspire to be the best at whatever we’re into. Whether it be Sports, Art, Dancing, or creeping the fuck out of that hot girl you met. I’ve decided to put together a little guide for those creepers out there who wish to up their game, and get in good with the ladies. For those in doubt, rest assure, these tactics are tried and true.

 

First when you meet someone, don’t bother introducing yourself. You should get straight to the point. Maybe while she’s unlocking her door at night, sneak up behind her and ask, “Hey do you want to go out?” Women like a direct guy like that. Small talk is for pansies. After the woman, who’s never seen you before in her life, says “No”, with a terrified look on her face, you should respond by saying something like, “Why!? I’m not going to rape you or anything!” This will put her mind at ease, and let her know that rape wasn’t on your mind at all, and that it wasn’t on your list of things to do when you go out.

 

Second, when you finally get the girl’s number, you should immediately start texting and calling her. This lets her know you’re available. Girls like guys who appear desperate. When you send a text, if the girl doesn’t respond within an eighth of a second, you should get angry and express your discomfort by texting repeatedly. Ask why she hasn’t responded to you yet. This shows insecurity, and women find that sexy. Accuse her of cheating.

 

Third, when she makes a post on Facebook, you should “like” everything she says, and make sure you respond within moments of her post. Send her a text to show her you're concerned. This lets her know that even though she barely knows you, she is your top priority and that you have nothing better to do than wait for her to say something in the news feed. After all, she needs to know that you care about her “having a bad hair day”, or that “her dog, Twixy chewed up her best shoes”. These are important issues.

 

You should ask her about any guy that posts on her page. Because come on.. Friends of the opposite sex? Sounds sketchy if you ask me. Make sure you really dig deep and find out all you can about this guy. Look at all his pictures and see if she’s in any of them. Test the waters. “I know about you and Tommy”. She needs to know that you are on to her shady ways. This is best established at the beginning of the relationship. Preferably before there is even a relationship at all. Besides, she will like the fact that you take interest in her social life. Also make sure to “friend” all of her friends. She’ll be stoked that you two “know” the same people. What a small world.

 

 Mention thing’s she’s done in the past and events that she never even knew you even attended. She’ll admire your memory, and how much you paid attention to her every move.

 

When she’s at a club, taking a picture with a friend of hers, try to jump in the picture before the camera flashes. Make sure you post these on your wall. She’ll be flattered that she’s in the only picture, of a folder called, “Me and Jamie having a blast”

 

If she tells you she can’t hangout tonight, because she’s going to a party. Find out what party she’s going to, and just show up. Even though you weren’t invited, she told you what she was doing and that sounds like an invitation to me. While you are there, don’t really say anything to anyone. Just stand in a corner, staring at people. Girls like mysterious guys.

 

And finally, when you’re on a date, be sure to agree with everything she says. Girls don’t like guys who can think for themselves or have a difference in opinion. When you get busted and she says, “uhh, I was joking. I’d rather chew dirt than watch ‘The Notebook’. I’m pretty sure only homosexuals are into that gay ass movie.”, simply change the subject then at some other point in the night, express your deep hatred for ‘The Notebook’ and any movie like it. Also mention your passionate disgust for gays.

 

Stalking… I mean dating is not an easy task. It takes a lot of work and dedication. But with enough research, the right attitude and a good pair of binoculars you can get just about anybody (Whether they want you or not).  Just remember, walking away after rejection is what quitters do. You're not a quitter. Besides, “No” is the new “Yes".

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