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December 14, 2010

#9 of 50 wacky personals ads from the book, "My Search For Love On Craigslist" by Michael Zinetti available on Amazon and a bunch of other places even...

Hi, I'm Emo. Maybe I did something wrong last time. I only want human people to respond. I got lots of responses. And I'm quite sure none of them were prostitutes. That part is good. But I'm pretty sure some of them weren't real human people. One girl, her name was MelissaXXX, said she loved my ad and she wanted me to contact her on a site she was on. So I went to the site. I made a profile. And I searched for MelissaXXX and what do you know, she didn't exist. Maybe I went to the wrong site. Two other girls, Wendy OMalley and Laurra Heintz both typed the exact same thing. They both really liiiiiiked my ad. I counted the i's. They were the same amount. But their pics were different, so I wrote to them. I told them I was a Christian and I absolutely will not date robots. Then Wendy wrote back immediately. I don't know how she responded so quickly. Anyway, she said thanks for writing and wanted me to go to a site. I felt bad so I went to the site. I made a profile. I looked up her username but she didn't exist? Weird, huh? I think Wendy and MelissaXXX are in cahoots. So, I think it’s sad I have to explain this, but I simply will not enter into a relationship with a robot. I am Christian. I like women with real body parts. I especially don't like robots who are prostitutes. If you send me pictures where you are dressed in next to nothing, the first thing I will do is look at them for an hour, then I will pray for forgiveness, then I will write back, then I will look at the new pictures, then I will go to the website, then I will look at all the other pictures of robot prostitutes, then I will pray for forgiveness again, etc. So please, if it's not too much to ask. I would like a nice Christian non-robot non-prostitute girl. The things I like to do are Scrabble, movies, music, talking and being on top. If you are a prostitute, please do not respond.

-from the god-awful book "My Search For Love On Craigslist" by Michael Zinetti, using one of the book's personae, Emo, who is basically a socially inept dustmite with several debilitating hang-ups, worst of which being a love/hate relationship with robot-prostitutes....