President Obama: "I just don't think I can do this anymore."
Hey, America. How’s it going? Sorry, that was a stupid question. I guess we both know how it’s been going, don’t we? Look, I just wanted to talk about how I’ve been feeling lately and, since we’ve been together for over a year, I pretty much consider this to be a serious relationship so I wanted to talk to you in person. Thanks for meeting me by the way and sorry, I didn’t expect this Starbucks to be so busy. Anyway, I don’t know about you, but it seems to me like things between us have just been deteriorating for a while. When we met, it was super fun and everything was new and then that wore off and now it just feels stale. And, to be honest, maybe that was part of the problem. We never really had a chance to get to know each other as people, you know? I just don’t think I can do this anymore. I still think you’re really really cool, but I don’t see this leading to something long-term. And, I hate to use the term “baggage” but we both know that your last few relationships kind of messed you up. Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand that the infidelity must have been really hard for you to deal with, especially when it was in your own home, let alone all of those nasty fights. What’s the point in traveling all the way to Central America if your vacation’s going to be ruined by constant bickering, right? I can understand why all of that took a toll on you and made you less trusting. That’s natural and most people would probably react the same way. But, I also feel like I shouldn’t have to be punished for the mistakes of your old boyfriends. I’m Barack, not George, okay? I think we both just jumped into this way too fast and that sort of ruined our chances. Maybe you were just into me because you were so unhappy with your last relationship. By the way, it was pretty obvious that you were only with him for the money and it makes me a little uncomfortable that I don’t come from money like that. It’s actually made me wonder if I could ever be good enough for you. Plus, I always feel out of place at all of those fancy, country club events you drag me to. I know they’re your friends and that’s cool. I certainly would never want to influence who you hang out with. It’s just not my crowd, that’s all. Look, I’m really glad that I met you and I still want to be close, just not in that way. I hope you understand.