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September 22, 2014
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A handy guide for college roommates.

When your college roommate places a sock on the doorknob, it’s a nonverbal warning that you should avoid entering because they are in the middle of having sex and don’t want to be interrupted. However, there are additional nuances to the message you need to become familiar with so you truly understand everything your roommate is trying to convey.

Print this out and keep it in your wallet until graduation day. It just might save you some embarrassment.

Signal: Ratty sock
Translation: “I’m having terrible sex.”

Signal: Sock with a hole in it
Translation: “I’m having sex and the condom broke.”

Signal: Inside-out sock
Translation: “I’m masturbating.”

Signal: Two inside-out socks
Translation: “I’m masturbating. Join me.”

Signal: Argyle sock
Translation: “I’m having sex with someone who speaks in a Cockney accent, but they’re really hot, so I put up with it.”

Signal: Hanging gym sock
Translation: “I’m having sex with the Red Hot Chili Peppers.”

Signal: Striped sock
Translation: “I’m having sex with a biracial partner and/or zebra.”

Signal: Sock with monocle attached
Translation: “I’m having classy sex on top of leather-bound books.”

Signal: Muppets sock
Translation: “I’m having sex while thinking of wholesome puppets from my childhood to keep from ejaculating too quickly.”

Signal: Sock with a lump of coal in it
Translation: “I’ve been a bad lover this year.”

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