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July 04, 2010


I didn't mean to come to this site today and write another blog entry.  It was my intention to laugh a little and then plunge into one of three shorts I intend to get on paper this holiday weekend, but here I am so I must have something to say.

I think it is very clear with anyone who has the slightest bit of a brain that I have not been exactly happy with my current slice of the pie.  If one were to draw a picture of my current station in life it would depict a tiny run down shack with windows shattered or completely blown out. The front door would be slanted and hanging from the top two hinges.  The once clean Welcome mat would be covered in dirt and grime making the letters that spell "welcome" impossible to see.  The wind would carry the song, that plays over and over in that should be demolished shack, over the hills and into the city streets and people would look up into the sky, roll their eyes and mumble something along the lines of "why doesn't she just die already."  

Well, that would be my take on the whole situation I've got going on here in M-Town.  Did I ever mention that I have the sometimes often ability to be 100% all or nothing from time to time?  It's not a great personality trait to have, but it can be a very useful tool when used appropriately, of course.

The song that's been playing over and over in my head lately is Broken by Lifehouse.  I am pretty sure the song is about a relationship gone awry, but when I listen to it it reminds me of something I would say to God these days.  "I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing, With a broken heart that's still beating, In the pain, Is there healing? In your name I find meaning, So I'm holding on...I'm barely holding on to you....So I'm holding on for another day, Just to see what you will throw my way, And I'm hanging on the words you say, You said I would be ok."

It's funny how we don't always realize that we are actually moving forward because we have become so use to standing still.  It takes guts to quit a well paying job that you absolutely hate and can't imagine getting up and going to every day for the rest of your life.  It takes guts to come to the realization that you can either continue to drink yourself into an oblivion every day and night for the rest of your life or you can walk away from the bottle and allow space for all the things that you secretly desire.  It takes guts to come to the understanding that some really crazy fucked up experiences have come into your life without your invitation and that for whatever reason your path was changed because of them.  And it takes guts to finally wake up and realize that even though you don't currently have anything to show for yourself, you aren't technically at rock bottom anymore.  You are on the way up and you've been on the way up for quite some time; you just didn't realize it. 

I am lucky that I have two other friends who are also "taking the long way around" when it comes to their life and their career.  One, like me, has always had the moving bug.  She knew the South wasn't for her and she knew she was an artist at heart, but wasn't sure where she fit in terms of space, place and career.  Not very long ago, she made the big leap and moved to New York City to embark on a career as an Art Therapist while continuing her own artistic expression on the side.  Her move was not easy and she has had some bumps on the way, but everything is working out well in her new world up north.  My other friend is a musician at heart.  He has lived in several different parts of the country, but calls Ohio his home.  He just finished his Doctorate and is currently driving around the western half of the United States enjoying the scenery and committing random acts of kindness as he sees fit along the way.  I told him that would make a great television show, by the way.  And if one of you reading this takes that idea and runs with it, you MUST hire me to work on the show!  Otherwise my pesky and unrelenting self will make you very miserable :)  After this road trip he plans on picking a city and just moving there and just seeing what happens.

I, on the other hand, am scared to death to take such a leap.  I do not under any circumstances have a "fly by the seat of my pants" mentality.  I am one of those poor souls that needs to have a plan.  I need to know step by step the how, what, when, where and why.  Why? I have no earthly idea because no plan ever goes the way anyone intends.  And we can't forget that my little plan to "just get my degree and enter the realm of human resources" didn't turn out too well since I ended up hating that type of work.  Truth be told, I know I'm a writer at heart, whatever that means.  I spent my entire adolescence writing songs and poems.  I never thought of trying to make a career out of it because of the simple fact that I was undeniably the most shy human being alive!  Even when I went to college, I toyed with the idea of an English degree with a creative writing emphasis or a Journalism degree, but both of those would require classes where one had to actually talk in public.   I mean, I actually got in trouble in high school because I would not talk.  My teacher wrote me up because we were playing a trivia game based on our chapter for that week and the class had been divided into teams.  Well, each person in the class had to answer questions and when it became my turn I just sat there staring back at him and simply refused to speak!  I have no idea what the other kids in my class thought and I didn't care.  I wasn't speaking and that was that.

The strange and good thing is this simple fact: Whatever it is in our lives that aims to tear us apart and impede our path is usually the thing or circumstance that eventually propels us forward and into our destiny.

I can honestly say that after all of the crazy shit I have been through, some being my own doing and some being the work of others, I am right back to where I began only this time around I'm prepared for my journey.   I have a clear and sound mind, I know exactly what I want to do with my life via honest, real world experience and somewhere along the way I lost the ability to be shy.  As I sit back and think about it, if I had tried to embark on the career that chose me back when I was twenty, I would have dropped out and ended up exactly where I am right now.  Sometimes taking the long way around is the only way to actually get to where you are going.    

Oh, and it turns out, that shack wasn't a shack at all.  And there's a new tune that the wind picks up and carries to the town below and the people no longer roll their eyes in disgust, because the sound they hear is 'the Sound of Sunshine coming down".  
(the Sound of Sunshine is a new single off of Michael Franti's new album to be released in August of this year.)