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February 09, 2012

Who knew using a restroom could be so complicated?

Men’s Restroom Rulebook


Public restrooms are the worst things ever. They smell god-awful. They are usually dirty. The worst thing about using a public restroom definitely is that other people are in the restroom using it as well. Other people smell. They make noises. They attempt to talk to me. It’s awful.  I’ll never know what is worse, hearing the person’s business that is in the toilet seat next to me or knowing that they can hear my business. Both of these things haunt me. Public restrooms are terrifying.

Despite the fact that the experience of using a public restroom is inherently awkward, there are people that make the experience ever more miserable. These people are EVIL. To protect the next generation from becoming the type of bad people who makes a public restroom experience a terrible, terrible thing, I have devised a rulebook that everyone should use when in a men’s public restroom. No exceptions.

I would make a guide to women’s restrooms, but I have never been in one. I assume they have plush toilet seats and smell of roses.

Rule #1: Don’t talk to strangers.

Talking to strangers in a restroom could be the most pointless thing ever. Once you leave the abyss that is a public restroom, you will never see that stranger that just made small talk to you again. Ever. It’s a rule. I have never seen a stranger that has talked to me in a public restroom for a second time. I’m convinced that these people could just be demons that are sent to make your restroom experience an even worse one. This theory honestly could be true.

Also, this is the three-step process I use when going into a restroom.

Step 1: Run in.

Step 2: Consider which urinal/toilet I should use.

Step 3: Use it.

Step 4: Get the hell out.

I don’t want anything to mess up my method. My method works for me. If someone talks to me when I’m in the restroom, the entire process gets screwed up. Never screw up a man’s urination/defecation schedule or terrible things may happen. I may confuse your shoes for a urinal. You never know. Crazy things happen in public restrooms.

Rule #2: Try to avoid using a urinal/toilet that is next to someone who is currently using it.

Sometimes this rule must be violated. If the restroom is full, you have to violate it. Sometimes, you have to say “screw the rules”, pull down your pants and just go.

Still though, in a not so-empty bathroom, no one wants someone next to them while they are doing their thing. Using a restroom is personal and I want everyone as far away from the disaster that is leaving my body as they can possibly be.

Rule #3: No eye contact.

I don’t want to ever make eye contact with someone while in a bathroom. People’s eyes should only focus on the task at hand which is finding a place to dispose of your humanly waste and doing it. Eye contact leads to talking. Talking leads to awkwardness. Only focus on your business.

Rule #4: Don’t yell/spank/punish your child in a restroom.

One time I was at a Cracker Barrel in Florida and in the bathroom stall next to me, a child was getting yelled at for “acting up the entire trip.” All I want to do when I’m in a restroom is use the goddamn restroom. I don’t want to hear a child cry. The cries of a child are bad enough, but when you mix it with the noise I emit when I’m in the restroom, it is almost unbearable. I felt like crying. If you bring your unruly child into a public restroom, you’re not just punishing your child. You’re punishing everyone in the restroom and for that you deserve to be sent into whatever circle of Hell gives out an eternities worth of swirlies.

Rule #5: Examine the toilet seat before sitting.

Sometimes in the heat of the moment, examination might not be possible. But you should always attempt to examine a seat. Sitting on a wet toilet seat is worst feeling in the world. Even if you don’t get a disease from it, your mind will be diseased with the memories forever.

Rule #6: Do not acknowledge the noises made by other restroom users.

I’m not ashamed to admit that sometimes I emit not just unpleasant, but absolutely horrifying noises when using the restroom. My body seriously emits sounds a hippo-banshee hybrid would make. It is highly embarrassing and I instantly cringe when those noises are emitted. Please don’t laugh at my noises. I want the illusion that only I hear them.

Screw walking home after a one night stand, walking out of a bathroom stall is the real Walk of Shame.

Rule #7: If you get something on the seat, wipe it off.

If you don’t do this, you are a horrible person. No exceptions.

Rule #8: Flush.

Pretty self-explanatory. Also, if you clog the toilet, you have no choice but running out of the restroom as fast as you can. Besides sitting on a wet toilet seat, there is no worse feeling than clogging a toilet.

Rule#9:  Avoid unusual behavior.

This is a rather general rule and covers a lot of things, but the last place I want to see something out of the ordinary happen is at the place in which I am the most vulnerable. I once witnessed a kid lick the floor of a restroom I was in. I feel like only a serial murderer would be depraved enough to lick a bathroom floor, so I had a very uncomfortable time using the restroom thinking about possibly being in a restroom with a serial murderer.