Hello good people of the internet! Nice to make your acquaintance. It’s my first day at Funny Or Die and I look forward to churning out comedic gold. But before I can do that, I’m going to need all of you to swear not to share anything I write with my grandmother. Can you do me that solid?
This is my grandmother. Her name is Nancy Vernon and she lives in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. She’s a sweet old lady and I love her, but no good could come from her knowing I write naughty words on the internet like damn, hell, or blood-soaked satanic fuck-fest.
Listen, feel free to send anything I write to YOUR grandma. It’s a free country. Heck, the exposure couldn’t hurt. But mine? I’m asking you as a friend to show restraint. The stuff I plan on writing will be,almost exclusively, non-Amos’-grandmother-friendly. Stuff like:
- “I Was The First Man To Ejaculate On TheMoon” By Buzz Aldrin
- Good Luck With Your Water Crisis Rest Of California, I’ve Saved Up Enough Urine To Last Me A Decade!
- All Of My Girlfriend’s Poops She Thought I Didn’t Know About, Ranked
See that? Semen, pee, and poop, right out the gate. You and me, WE get it, because we’re hip and young and cool. But my Grandmother? She’s just not ready to see that side of me. She’s a lovely woman,but yeesh, I can’t even imagine how she’d react if just ONE of you were to go rogue and email her at email@example.com. And if you happen to find yourself in Chapel Hill, avoid her neighborhood at all costs.
I don’t know what I would do if you were to knock on my grandmother’s door and show her an example of my writing on your phone. And it goes without saying that you shouldn’t print this very page and leave it in her mailbox. I wouldn’t hear the end of it at Thanksgiving. So don’t even think about it.
All of that said, feel free to send her articles and videos by other Funny Or Die writers. Let her be offended by my coworkers. It’ll take some heat off me and buy me enough time to create a few decoy articles to send her, such as:
- Who’s Going To Med School? By Amos Vernon (in the style of Abbott and Costello’s“Who’s On First” routine)
- Have You Ever Noticed How Presbyterians Dance Like THIS, While Episcopalians Dance Like THIS? (series of GIFs)
- 10 Amazing Photos Of A Cleanly Shaven Amos Vernon With His Shirt Tucked In (no punch line)
To show you how serious I am I’ve created a petition for President Obama to make it illegal to share any of my online content with my grandmother. Sure I trust you guys,but it would make me feel a heck of a lot better if a few million of you would sign this: https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/make-it-illegal-anyone-share-amos-vernons-funny-or-die-content-his-grandmother
Please share the petition with everyone you know (except my grandmother DUH) and support the cause on social media with the hashtag #swearnottoshare. Together, we can make my dream of complete online grandma anonymity a reality!