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Published October 14, 2013 More Info »
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Published October 14, 2013

Sports

When the Olympics comes around, billions of people suddenly pay a lot of attention to sports like taekwondo, diving, curling, and the luge. And they act like they're wine afficianados drinking a bottle of Chateux Haut Brion. "My goodness. That was some impressive luging. The luge is a magnificent sport. I really love the luge. You know, back in college, I was left lugyfroosh on the Yale luging team. And in 1997, I scored 43 lugemehooshes." 3.5

Then a month after the Olympics, that same guy says, "What the hell is a luge? It sounds like a toilet part. You got your gasket, your valve, and your luge. The luge is what makes your toilet flush clockwise. Unless you have an Australian luge. I learned that at community college. I was left gasketmaster on their toilet repair team. And in 1997, I fixed 87 flushetegushers." 3

During the Olympics, some guy watches synchronized swimming, and he calls out to his wife, "Honey! Holy macherel! Come watch this. Wow! This is athletics at its highest form. ... What! The judges only gave Latvia an 8.5! Ridiculous! These idiot judges don't know shit. I mean, this is the first time I've ever seen synchronized swimming--and I know much more than they do. Honey--stop painting your freaking toenails, and watch this." 2

But a year later, that guy's flipping through the channels, he comes across synchronized swimming, and he says, "Honey--why is channel 7 showing a bunch of homosexuals swimming together?" Then he hears the announcer mention that Latvia got an 8.5. And he says, "Latvia? I don't even think that's a country. It sounds like a toilet part. You got your gasket, your valve, your luge, and your latvia. The latvia is what powers the luge. Unless you have an Australian latvia. Then the luge powers the latvia." 3

After any Olympic event, the gold medalist has the status of a king. The bronze medalist has the status of a Duke. And the silver medalist has the status of someone who just got herpes. "Welcome back to the 2012 Olympics. I'm here with silver medalist and worthless piece of shit John Smith. John--your father always said you'd never amount to anything--and today you confirmed that. Let's talk about the guy who beat you beat you by two hundredths of a second. I love that guy. Apparently you were too stupid to realize that you were supposed to run faster than him. He just signed a $2 million deal to endorse shoes and light bulbs. You just signed a $25 deal to endorse toilet luges and latvias." 2.5

In the 2012 Olympics, they tried out a new hybrid system where they count how much weight someone lifts,and the judges give him a score. [Announcer:] "Smith lifted 300 pounds. And here are the judges' scores: a 1.7 for lifting weights, a 9.8 for grunting, a 9.5 for sweating, a 9.8 for blowing his nose without a tissue right before the lift, and a 10.0 for vomiting on some Norweigan guy right after the lift. Smith can't lift weights for shit--but he vomits like a champion." 2

Sometimes the best sports highlights are of a coach or athlete flipping out. Like that time an umpire made a call against tennis player John McEnroe, and John yelled "You can't be serious, man. You cannot be serious! That ball was on the line! Chalk flew up! It was clearly in! You guys are the absolute pits of the world." Then a few months later, John missed an easy shot in a big match, and his umpire yelled, "Bro! How the hell did you miss that shot? You cannot be serious!" And then John parked his car, and some guy yelled, "You parked four inches over that line! You cannot be serious!" And then the next day, John bought a suit, and you guys are thinking, "Are you really continuing with this horseshit joke? You cannot be serious!" And then John proposed to his girlfriend, and she said, "You call that a engagement ring? You cannot be serious!" 2.5

Did you know that genius sports announcers like Al Michaels and Joe Buck only get $5 million a year to tell us genius things like, "Brady drops back to pass." I don't have a $5 million a year football brain like they do--so when Brady runs after the ball is snapped to him, I get confused and come up with theories like, "It looks like Brady's running to the bathroom while holding a football." Without Al Michaels, I can't tell the difference between dropping back to pass and running to go piss. But the thing is, sports announcers don't give enough information. Al Michaels should tell me, "New England Patriots human quarterback Tom Brady drops back to pass during a football game that you're watching on a television. Oh yeah---don't forget to breathe. Otherwise you'll die, and you won't be able to watch football." 2.5

When a quarterback throws an interception with the game on the line, the cameramen keep on showing him sitting on the sidelines. "Everyone. Focus in on this pathetic idiot Brady. His recent stats are 0 for 1 with 1 interception, and he's getting $973,000 per game. Meanwhile, you built four shelves on Friday, and you only got $115. Look at this son of a bitch quarterback! Did you see him? Maybe you didn't see him. We'll show him one more time. Five more times. Ten more times." And when a kicker misses a crucial 33 yard field goal with two minutes left, the commentators pretty much put a target on him and tell us, "We don't have the legal right to tell you to kill this guy. But just do the math. He missed a 33 yard field goal, and bullets only cost 4 cents a piece at Walmart." 2.5

I like to talk sports with my friends. It's fun for me, and it's a good way to show them I'm one of the guys. One time, a friend of mine said, "Brady is the best quarterback ever when the game's on the line. He freakin' tore apart the Broncos' defense. Every pass was right on the money." And then I said, "Totally, bro. And did you see that badminton quarterfinal match in the Allegasy League? I can't believe Chickering commited that birdiejack violation in the third quadrant, right after Coggeshall barnistrated the fourth dofut. I was so flabbergasted when I saw that, that I nearly spit out my uncarbonated ginger ale. That was the most dorfestrated shackering in badminton history. You know what I'm saying?" My friends were so impressed by my extensive badmintinian knolwedge, that they haven't spoken to me since then. The next time we get together, I'll be sure to bring up that excellent jai alai match between Qatar and Saudi Arabia. 2.5

One of the most interesting sports in the world is pro wrestling. It's like guys are saying, "We love soap operas--as long as the women are half naked, and the the guys are beating the shit out of each other 95% of the time." 3

I think some of the most devoted athletes of all are bodybuilders. At the DMV they tell the guy working there, "I just oiled up, and I want a full body photo on the back of my license. And on the front, put my bodyfat percentage next to my weight--'cause weight is meaningless without a bodyfat percentage." And then a month later: [Police Officer:] "License and registration, please." [Bodybuilder:] "Just the words I wanted to hear, officer. Check it out, bro. 240 pounds, 3.8% bodyfat. Put that on my ticket." 2

A few weeks ago, I wanted to join a gym--and I had to sit down with some delightfully douchebagish employee named Collin, and negotiate my membership fees for an hour and a half while hearing him call me "bro" 147 times, and seeing him flex his chest muscles 34 times. The gym does that to help you get in shape. You'll think, "I'm gonna do ten extra sets of bench presses today. 'Cause I want to be really fit when I strangle Collin to death, and tell him, 'Bro--do you feel the burning in your lungs?' [Alternate: Bro--your lungs and throat are getting a really workout right now.]" 2.5

At every gym, there's some lunatic nonconformist working out with like a 50 pound dumbbell in one hand, a 10 kilogram kettlebell in the other hand, a jump rope tied around his left thigh, a noose around his neck, a rubber ducky under his armpit, and a bottle of Pantene conditioner duct taped to his pancreas. "This is how you do Tasmanian double stuff fillibusters. Don't forget to use the Pantene. The Pantene is very important." 3

When I'm at the gym, I don't make it all about me. I'm a pro-social gymgoer. I go out of my way to motivate others to be the best they can be. If I see some guy working out with 40 pound dumbbells, I pick up 50 pound ones and start doing the exact same exercise in tandem with him, while grunting louder, and yelling out, "40 pound dumbbells are for pieces of shit." And any time I see a big weightlifter bench pressing 500 pounds, I tell him, "Holy crap, bro. Your form is way off." Then I take five plates off each side, and I show him the correct form. "You see how I'm lifting this at an 88.7 degree angle? That's how you bench press, you 240 pound, 3.8% bodyfat jackass!" 2.5

But sometimes I learn from others. The other day, I saw someone who was really fit--and I asked him about his workout. And he told me. "I do two sets of four barbell rows, four sets of eight dumbbell curls, eight sets of sixteen two by fours, and four sets of two sets of sixteen thirty twos. Then I do push ups, pull ups, sit ups, chin ups; dips and flips, fish and chips, squats and flyes, ham on rye, jumping jacks, walking walters, sitting sallies, popping poindexters, fruit loop extensions, corn flake curls, wipe of my sweat, flirt with girls; cartwheels, hot wheels, hand stands, Pac-Mans, spinning, swimming, rin tin tinning. I do tricep extensions with a triceretops, bicep curls on a banana boat, Chinese checker chin ups with a thin black Russian--and I drink a protein shake with a little Robitussin. I connect my kneebone to my shin bone and lower my triglycerides, I do bicentennial bicep busters, and soak my buttocks in formaldehyde. I go uptown and slaughter a yellow goat. I go downtown and row, row, row your boat. Then I ride my unicyle to my bicycle, and my bicyle to my tricyle; I work my quadriceps at the pentagon, do the heptathalon and the decathalon, fight an octopus in the octagon, and trade my Maximus for a Megatron. I deadlift a live cow, lift up a dead moose, sweat to the oldies, and vomit in an Ihop restroom. I chop down a redwood, listen to Green Day, look over a four leaf clover, shave my five o'clock shadow, hit on nine, double down on ten, change the song to 'It's Raining Men.' I stretch my quads, pecs, traps, and hams. I open my inbox and delete my spam. I bench press a truck, strangle a duck, punch a pink papaya, shake it all about, do the hokey pokey, pick a peck of pickled peppers, can a quart of candied carrots, sell some seashells on the seashore, sheer a sheep, and shine my shoes. I do the cha cha, the Charleston, the tango, the mango, papayas, bananas, burritos, bandanas, jambalaya, mumbo jumbo, wango tango, pants on fire, sister, sister, pizza, pizza, Sistene Chapel, Mona Lisa. I do the stairmaster while I watch Mystery Theater, I watch Mr. Magoo while I take off my shoe, I put mustard on my toes and some ketchup on my nose, I do eighteen sets of rows, then I urinate in a hose. With the Pantene. You gotta use the Pantene. Don't forget to use Pantene." 2.5

 

After hearing his workout, I was so tired that I sat down and took a smoking break. And I told him, "That workout sounds pretty good. Maybe I'll squeeze it in to my daily routine, right between going to Dunkin Donuts and taking my mid afternoon nap." 2

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