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Published November 05, 2011

The music of dude-bros and the ladies who love them

I usually take shitty pop things in stride and enjoy their inanity as part of the fabric of human nature; like Williams, I hold that nothing human disgusts me unless it is unkind or violent. And despite excellent taste in....everything, I have a guilty pleasure or two (No Doubt) myself. But I heard this song today. And while I admit I wish the video was as retarded as the song due a certain perverse desire that is a mixture of schadenfreude and masochism, I do desperately wish that everyone who had anything to do with the following song (lyrics below) have a bowel-quaking day of reckoning in which they are mortified to literal death for insulting the collective intelligence of humankind with this mind-turd of a song that is the musical equivalent of the shittiest high school response paper ever produced. This is what's wrong with young people (my comments in bold)...

"I took this girl out last night, and we left around 12."

Harlot! She agreed to meet you at midnight? Or wait, did you meet on It's Just Lunch?

"We walked along lonely streets and got to know ourselves."

Just what I want on a date: mutual depressive introspection.

"I like to read, she likes to write,"

I'm thinking you're a fan of Adorno (and all the boys from the Frankfurt School) and that she writes...sentences.

Sexy-ass Marxist, Theodor Adorno

"She likes to sleep and I love to stay up all night. My friends say I'm crazy, and I agree."

This seems a break in cohesion. What, pray tell, does her depressive lust for slumber and his insomnia have to do with his friends' appraisal of his sanity?

"But that's ok that's the way I like to be."

(Chorus) "Hey girl come with me and let yourself go. Hey girl come with me and let yourself go, go, go."

How terrible. He clearly wishes to take her to a seedy all-night diner and feed her until the bloom is off the rose of her youth and she is a fat bag of apathy that no longer cares about her appearance. She already loves to sleep when she isn't putting Sexton to shame with her depressive confessions! Mercy.

Depressive hottie, Anne Sexton

"We went out late that night, and we danced through the night. Yeah..."

Oh yeah?

"I was holdin' on to her, and she be grippin' it tight, she was..."

"It," sir? If you mean to suggest she was gripping your member, the Deep Blue Something cum Raffi melody of your song belies that sentiment in an upsetting manner. (For more information on the second and third worst things in the world, Google Deep Blue Something and Raffi)

Child rapist

"She didn't care, I didn't mind."

This person is so emotionally catatonic that grabbing some dick means nothing to her, and all you can express is that you "didn't mind" that she touched your privates? You both need help, sir.

"I was unaware, she liked to act so kind."

Yet you are aware of her love of writing and you feel comfortable beseeching her to let herself go. Get to know the young woman! I think you are satisfied knowing about her what you want to know about her. You're not fooling anyone, by the way; "kind" is clearly a euphemism for "slutty."

"Hush little baby, don't say a word."

Really? First you demoralize the poor creature by implying that being with her is evidence of your madness, then you try to control her by willing her into apathy, and now you infantalize her like the featured player in a feminist nightmare.


"I'd like to give you everything that you deserve."

This smacks of "to the moon Alice" and "Hush Little baby." I suspect you'll be buying her "diamond rings" and "mocking birds" while trapping her in your sex dungeon of psychological tortures like an evil Ralph Kramden while you feed her trans fats in an attempt to foment your devious project of getting her to let herself go.

"I'll give my heart, give you all my soul."

I think these emotional non-sequitars are part of your desire to thrall her, hold her in the sway of your Machiavellian charms,  you would-be Svengali.


"You can have all my money, if you'd like it then have control."

So now she's a dominatrix for hire? Sicko. Or is it that you are offering her power of attorney over your estate (built on shitty songwriting) as a way of enticing her to endure your torment?

"And my mind, it will miss you, every night that you're not here."

I see you not only subscribe to the outmoded concept of the cogito, but you've established a duality between man and mind whereby your mind can miss people. I'll have you know our best minds conceive of the brain and mind as isomorphic; most would suggest that if your mind misses someone, so do you.


"Oh, I just want to sit around your life and breathe your air."

Apparently her life is little more than a rumpus room for you? Her heart a barcolounger to fart on? Bastard person, I hate you.


"And if I cannot have you, I just don't want to live."

Ah, emotional blackmail! You've tried everything else to control this woman while pretending you're willing to cede control to her. I hope she's strong enough to resist indulging you in the cruel chess game you wish to play with her emotions.

"Oh, I've got so much I'd like to give."

Gonorrhea and heartache, I'd bet. Am I right, sisters?

"Hey girl come with me and let yourself go. Come on, come on. Hey girl come with me and let yourself go, go, go. Just let yourself go. Hey girl, my baby, my darlin', let yourself go. Hey girl, my baby, my darlin', I need to know. Hey girl, my sweety, my lovely, I'd love to let you go. But I'm coming back for you, and I'm walkin' to your door. Hey girl."

This is when the song's narrative really breaks down. We could surmise these two were in trouble, but it was never established explicitly that he would be in a position to "come back for" her. it seemed like the song was about a first date in which all manner of psychological warfare took place. The intent behind the repetition, though, is clear: he means to hypnotize her until she lets one go. By the bye, all those patriarchal terms of endearment will get you nowhere with a woman who "likes to write," sir!

The band that performs this song is apparently wildly popular on college campuses. Need more be said on the topic of the academy's erosion? In any event, this is a violently stupid song.

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