Two elephants from a circus in Germany made an attempt to escape when they broke free from their enclosure and walked to a local bus stop, giving the impression they were waiting for the bus. This confirmed what most New Yorkers already knew: ONLY FATTIES TAKE THE BUS

JetBlue airlines is offering travellers $4 flights between the Long Beach and Burbank airports during the Highway 405 shutdown dubbed `Carmageddon.` In related news, American Airlines is collecting $4 from passengers TO NOT TAKE THEM TO LONG BEACH OR BURBANK

A recent study into the quality of relationships in different countries revealed that Brazilian couples were most pleased with their sex life, while Chinese couples were the least. This isn’t surprising since kid`s shows in Brazil can’t be shown during the day, and the Chinese are best known for buildings barriers to keep people from penetrating their insides

The internet company Netflix angered its customers this past week by raises prices by 60%. In response, Blockbuster developed a campaign to attract disgruntled Netflix customers, using the slogan: NETFLIX CUSTOMERS, SAY HELLO TO BLOCKBUSTER! They then added: BUT SAY GOODBYE QUICK, WERE CLOSING IN LIKE 5 MINUTES

Sasha and Malia Obama got a private screening of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2 at the White House for them and their friends, and the President announced shortly thereafter that he would be splitting his second term into two parts so it would last longer.

The Emmys have been praised recently about how most female nominees were not the traditional young and beautiful image that Hollywood has promoted in the past, with the exception of a few, like starlet Christina Hendricks from Mad Men. So basically the Emmys are going through that stage you went through in high school where you dated the clarinet player because her house was close to Denny`s, but you still did Christina Hendricks` homework and gave her the Emmy if she promised to let you touch her boobs.

A letter sent in 1958 by a Pennsylvania college student to a boy she dated, stating she would `love him forever`, was finally delivered 53 years late. The letter addressed to `Justin OneNighter` proves that EVEN GIRLS IN THE 50`S COULDN`T TAKE A HINT

Former MLB pitcher Curt Schilling`s video game company, 38 studios, is planning to develop a new superhero franchise that is aiming to be the next big thing. It all centres around a superhero that by day is a mild mannered cashier, but by night, IS A MILD MANNERED CASHIER WITH SOME BLOOD ON HIS SOCK

Former Presidential Candidate John Edwards` trial for using expensive gifts bought with campaign money to cover up his affair, has been postponed until October. When asked why he postponed the trial, the judge explained that he NEEDED SOME TIME TO TRY OUT HIS NEW JETSKI

Sarah Palin`s inner circle has expressed surprise that she has only raised $1.6 million for her possible presidential run in 2012. This brings us to a segment I like to call `Really?!?!` with Fat Neil. Really Sarah Palin, you`re surprised you haven`t raised much money for your presidential campaign? For the election you haven`t admitted you`re running in? If everyone just gave money to people that didn`t admit things that were obvious, OJ and Casey Anthony would have floor seats for the Lakers! And really Sarah Palin?!?!  You`re surprised people didn`t want to donate money to the person driving around the country in a giant bus when gas is $115 a barrel? You`re obviously hurting for cash. And really, when people are contemplating who they want to help become president, their mind probably doesn`t go right to `that girl from TLC.` Even the guy from Cake Boss has raised $1.8 million. You can`t even win  a Monday night line up election. But Really Sarah, your supporters have kept asking you to declare your intentions, but you still haven`t done it. If you keep asking your daughter to go eat her vegetables and she doesn`t, you don`t raise her allowance, you send her to her room, probably to watch your show. I mean REALLY?!?WOW! This has been Really? with Fat Neil

John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi refused the President`s invite to Camp David for negotiations on the debt crisis, stating that they didn`t need to `make smores` and do other camp activities to make progress with the talks. For his rebuttal, President Obama put both their mattresses in the lake while they were sleeping.

Former Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is said to be divorcing his third wife. A spokesperson for Mr. Aldrin said it was due to “irreconcilable differences” between the couple. The main difference being that after 23 years of marriage, she finally told him that NEIL ARMSTRONG GOT THERE FIRST

For Fat Neil Update, I'm Fat Neil, Goodnight, and #PopPop!