or
Published October 02, 2008 More Info »
0 Funny Votes
0 Die Votes
193 Views
Published October 02, 2008

Political Canvassing

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

To be active in our upcoming election, I’m working for the DNC as part of the Jim Himes 4th Congressional US Senate race in CT. Himes is running against Christopher Shays, a long time fixture. A moderate by most standards, Shays still backs most of the Bush agenda and has supported the war. This is the year to dump these motherfuckers.

It pays a little $, is good for networking, and ‘touching the Indians’ where they live is interesting. I’m more of a ‘stand outside the supermarket’ kind of activist and going door to door is not the ideal task for me. I personally find it intrusive when someone comes to my door, but I’ll do it for some money or soul saving from a political standpoint.

I think most Jehovah Witnesses are motivated for the same reason. I may try to sway your vote if I sense an opportunity- they try to sway your eternal life and just try to get you there quicker by denying you blood transfusions should you need one.

We’re currently blanketing Shelton; CT. Shelton is a lot like Monroe, where I live. It’s a bedroom community where, for whatever reason, the majority of voters are registered Independent- but vote Republican. If they say they’re undecided, I try to pry info as to why. Scary thing is most of the time the answer is “I haven’t been paying attention”.

HAVEN’T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION???

Have you looked at the gas pump? Don’t you know someone who’s lost a child in Iraq or is scared shitless they’re going to? Have you seen ANY of Sarah Palin’s answers to easy questions (“Oh, I read everything- whatever comes across my desk”)?. She apparently was concerned that mentioning Guns ‘N Ammo would elicit too much lesbian Butch support and lose the Moose lobby.

They’re all ‘concerned’ about the economy, but cannot conclude that the ‘greed’ on Wall St. McCain talks about are also his bestest BBQ’ing buddies and financial supporters.

We know ages and are just polling unaffiliated voters. It’s weird when I go to a house with one UNAF that happens to be a 22 year old daughter. God knows what conservative father who answers the door thinks my real motives are.

 

There have been two houses of note.

One was a 67 year old school Italian woman, Margarita.

Margarita had eyebrows stenciled in like Joe Pesci in JFK. I wanted to grab some turpentine, erase, and start over. It was hard to concentrate while conversing with her as her face would move, but those brows were planted like Jimmy Hoffa at the Meadowlands.

jfk.jpg

Where’s Oswald when ya need him?

She tells me in a very heavy accent “I’m da Democrat. I probably vote for de Black guy. But I not happ bout it. I no like Black.”

Wow.

We’ll take you vote, M. But your bigotry is appalling. At least she was honest. I’m telling you there are MANY more people that would vote for McCain rather than Barack for no other reason than race. We have not advanced as a culture as much as we think we have.

I then knock on the door of the Andrews- Karen and Steve. It’s a 3500 sq ft house and has ‘Conservative-fuck-the-rest-of-ya-I-want-to-keep-my-ill-gained-Wall-St-profits-to-myself’ written all over it.

Surprisingly, a soft spoken, late 30’s Karen comes to the door. I explain what I’m doing. She invites me in.

The Cinemax After Dark shows start playing on the screen in my head. Like in the shows, I fast forward through the talk and head right for the slow mo’s with music.

She invites me to sit. I can hear Steve in the kitchen making dinner. He comes out and asks if I want a beer. I respectfully decline.

Softly, Karen explains that although she can’t stand McCain, she’s voting for him because he’s pro life. Nothing else matters. She says she’s a court appointed legal defense lawyer and her job in life is to ‘protect the lives of everyone and everything’.

cinemax.jpg

Are you sure I can’t get you for Barack? Nother beer, Steve?

She’s so low key, I don’t have the heart to debate- and nothing I could say would change he mind anyway. My libido said if I pushed the envelope, I could get her to change by threatening to stop plowing her before she was satisfied (Steve filming, of course) but the Cinemax show had changed to The 700 Club and I’d lost all interest.

 

 

I encourage you to get out and talk to people. Strangers. Just start a dialog. You don’t have to be pushy- just be quizzical. Most will talk, especially if you’re a female. Don’t be a fanatic- just calmly state you think Obama is the only choice given our current situation. You’ll be surprised at how persuasive you can be. There’s a ton of undecided’s out there and we can takes votes one at a time by rationally addressing whatever is most important to people. Except people like Karen. If Pro Life is the #1 issue for them, they’re priorities are screwy (like ‘moral values in ’04). Move on.

Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web